wednesday

take out your own trash
cast yourself out among the sea of overused and underabused
scraps of hearts and lungs and eyes that no longer know how to see
mingle with the modern underworld
become more of a nothing than you already are
and waste more time living breathing and struggling to survive
i tried to say go away
in a nice way
you wouldn't listen
i changed my tune

learn as you go

i pull your conscience down
and swing on your eyelids now
dance beneath your breath
and sing into the soles of your shoes
calm the tide in your soul's ocean

and smile in your ear
i'm all around you dear
but you still can't feel me
beneath your heavy heart
let me in a little further
cast away your fear
follow the path i've laid down
and drown in sea of tears
meet me at the half way point
three skips under the stars
romance the flowers in my eyes
and kiss me one hundred times
before you say goodbye goodnight goodluck
swing with me to paradise
drink my past at noon
let your footsteps fall in time to mine
and wait for something soon
cover me in polka dots
that lead me back to you
hold my hand inside your pocket
keep my picture in your locket
stay with me
beside me
lurk under
hide over
my shoulder and the crease
behind my knee
swallow memories of me
and learn as you go
to luv and love and
LOVE
the everything
the nothing
that is
me

living in the dark

i lost the sun when i looked in your eyes
thunder rolled softly down the faint outline of my thighs
i thought i saw you stare straight out at me in the darkness
and felt my heart beat faster in the caged space that exists between us
your eyes pierced blue waters in my soul
and i was lost in a sea that you could control
i felt thimbles of wonder commit to my fingertips
and wanted to stretch the feeling 'til it was overdue
'til it could no longer last
let's live in this darkness
with a faint glowing light

and spend our days close to one another
catching glimpses and glances and second chances
in moments that end and begin in corresponding rhythms and beats
did you feel my thoughts slip over to you
my gaze take you in and breathe you out
like you were brand new
did you feel the pull of my magnetic heart
or did you simply stare out into the dark

rain seeping into my brain

looking out the window
i'm trying to find the rain
train my eyes to steady themselves and just be
slipping into that quiet mode
that allows you to see more clearly than before
you know what i mean?
it's like a new state of consciousness
that relies on dreams you tell others you have
the same ones you wonder about at night
asking yourself if you really have those dreams
or would simply like to convince others that you do
that you want something more from this life
something that you haven't been able to grasp
and something that can't be handed down from generations
and generations that have passed

sometimes i think about the world
in dark corners of paintings that stare back at me
asking me to think and examine things i can only see
when the quiet stillness of sleep looms just in front of me

i want more than i've ever been able to express
and feel no more like hiding from you
and from all the rest
of those people who wear their shoes with socks
because they don't want life to rub too hard against
the precious skin of their feet

it's refreshing in a pure and new way
not that i really ever wear socks without shoes and shoes without socks
i like the lack of escape
and the fixed in point of my destination that seems to come with
shoes and socks
shoes and socks
meeting and greeting other shoes and socks walking down the street
in neat little piles that spill forth and walk to and fro
aiming for something they have no control over
and yet constantly striving for some point of knowledge that comes
at the end the bitter end the end that we believe is bitter
because we'd want it more if we thought it was sweet
now wouldn't we?
wouldn't we?

stop bothering me
stop tormenting me when you don't have to and yet want to
for no other reason than to watch me squirm and yearn
simultaneously for something we both know i haven't found a place for
remember remember remember
asking me where a bird and fish would live?
i had an answer for you
you didn't care
i wanted you to

where's your manual?

i think because i can't know if i've fallen in love
with your words and the steady and thoughtful rhythm in which you write
pieces and particles and moments of a life you lead and sometimes don't but wish you could and can and do
i think you mean more to me than i will let myself know
because i like the emptiness that comes with a single security blanket
i want to scream and tell you how i feel but won't

later on my death bed will reek of things i let pass me by
it'll reek of you
and others will stand around and wonder what happened to one they thought they knew
whose smile hide a town of lies
and whose own disguise she felt melded to
i often think of you
at night during the day when i'm out when everything else has gone away
and i think of your eyes
that colour blue
and the way i can't look at them for too long without feeling flustered and confused
about you
about you

(photo by sarah)

written while under the influence

i'm writing this now to you
writing while under the influence of you
and your gaze that creates a daze in my somewhat pale maze
and i'm thinking of telling you things you should already know
but may not because i speak inside the innermost layers of my soul
when i think of you and the things we've said and haven't said
at least not out loud and never, never once, while in a crowd
of people who most likely know or at least could guess
that there is something that lies
not so deep in the surface layers of written words and spoken whispers
that there is something there that stares at us in the otherwise empty space
something that longs for nothing more than escape
to be brought to the surface and explored once more
something that was yours and mine separately but longs to be blended
and mended and quietly tended when and if need be
wake up and smell the lingering presence of me
that exists in and out of your dreams
take my hand a little more than you have my heart
and finally finally speak what your brain blocks out

weak spot

you found my weakness
as my body slowed to the music on the dance floor
swaying hips with a rhythm written in lust
you kept spinning me around and around and around
just like he did when we first met three years ago
catching glimpses of me amid the shadows and night glow
pulling me in close to you and whispering softly in my ear
in a way that makes words matter less but the proximity between us
~ well now that's what you do best ~
butterfly infested smiles with or without the liquid relaxer
i find myself wanting you almost as much as you think you want me
and that's a lot
i twirled and twirled and played the game
winner on top till you found my weak spot
your touch was filled with a slightly aggressive need
that overthrew my own passive-agressive tendencies
and made me want to explore and find out more about you
working my way down from the outside to in
leaving a trail of faint perfume and smiles that come easy
at this time of night
i wanted to forget the vulnerability i sometimes feel
and be lost in the wrong-right night and its dangerous appeal

i can still feel your touch on my often forgotten neck
and trace the blueprints your fingertips left

11:59

and i feel like the rain is backed up in my brain
and the leather strap has been worn down against the skin of my back
and i wish i could fix the bricks that once made up my house, my home
and reclaim the territory that i called my own
i can't tell you where i went
the old me the familiar me the one that stood a chance
i've lost her and lost her along the way
playing old games
nothing feels the same
i'm supposed to be moving forward but i feel like i'm moving back
watching the keys type thmselves
type themselves
lost in thoughts unlike the ones i've had
dreaming dreams i no longer want
and wishing for something i haven't known but think i'd like to call my own
i remember swinging on swings that were strong and sent me up towards the sky and made me feel safe somehow
even though i was so high
and no one was there to catch me
i've been bumped and bruised
cut and bled till almost dry
and i'm still fighting for some form of freedom
and fighting for some life i saw once in a dream
and now strive to achive but don't hold the key and know that i might never
hold that key
or your key
where's your key?
why does life seem harder now than it did before
and why do i feel like my answers are questions in a shabbily built disguise
i want to help you and treat you but the sarcasm drip attached to your arm pushes me away
makes me want to hide out until i've figured you out
and forgotten to double check and cross reference the truth
you hold him like i hold onto the past
with unquenched fingers and love lust eyes that could lie and sometimes do
but no one needs to know
if they've built a house they call it a home
regardless of whether it's just a place to hang their clothes
their outer shells and live like we're all supposed to live
in boxes with no doors
and i thought i escaped but find myself further locked in
and can't seem to break away because there's too much to lose
and i'm not sure i have anything to gain
but another broken heart with shattered stones
and cut up pieces of bones that ache even when it's not cold
and your words hurt me
so i no longer bare my soul

and along the way i lost the one that i loved and who loved
and was capable of love and loving and loving more
and i want her back but i can't convince her to return
so i'll go back to the swing and fall on my own
and never have someone standing there to catch the pieces
catch the pieces

dream

i had a dream last night
walking around winding unknown streets
not knowing where i was going
but somehow knowing without doubt that you were close by
i heard her call you on the phone
and pretend not to know it was your number
and i could hear the sound of your breath in response
and i wondered what you thought of her and her voice
and if you would prefer mine

and i walked along the winding streets
filled with fresh cut grass and small budding trees
and i saw you in black and black and white
and i walked as close as i dared beside you
but you didn't see me
and i was torn between wanting you to
and not wanting you to because it was me
and i wasn't quite prepared for you to see me
and frankly i was quite prepared to see you
but i kept on walking walking towards you
but far enough away that you couldn't smell my need
and close enough that i could smell yours
i woke up and remembered the dream
remembered it like i'm living it and breathing it
and needing it without wanting to need it
and i'd have this dream analyzed but
i already know what it means
and so do you