?

get out of my head
you've trespassed
carefully set up tents
of thoughts
with signs that read
keep out
in foreign tongues
stay away
far enough that i can still hear you say
what you can still say from far away
get the fuck out
i can't and won't and don't know
how to make you leave
sleep in someone else's stable
take from someone else's plate
it's fate
no it borders hate
which is so closely linked to love
they walk hand in hand
like brothers
going off to war
like books resting next to each other
living breathing off each other's disease
stop breaking me down
stop building me up
stop everything and nothing
because we both know i want more
and you've always liked to settle the score
you see right through me
all the way past the other side
that's reserved for those who've called ahead
and somehow managed to skip the line
it's been months
but really it's been years
brains strained with pain
tongues tied with twine
lives inexplicably combined
you and i
sit under different stars
and simultaneously unravel and ravel
finger-crossed truths
carefully worded lies
give-ins and take-aways
take-ins and give-aways
all to learn nothing more
but somehow convincing each other
that we have and still continue to
it's a glue high
you and i
it's a glue high
you and i
slow down
press rewind
back track
subtract
go back
it's still a glue high
you and i

(photo by sarah)

my kind of kiss

you told me i kiss too rough too intense
too i-want-it-all-and-you-don't-stand-a-chance
you were right baby i did and still do
i was reaching searching digging probing folding and unfolding
my antenna like tongue to get right down to the root of you
i was looking for love (in case the above was just too much for you)
and couldn't find it with someone as bittersweet as
the one who told me i'd overrun them with my tongue
aka you
did i scare you away baby with my honey soaked eyes
and lips that part like a sea full of lies
or did the fantasy no longer match the coffee stained reality
don't answer me baby, unless you know your own truth
i'm the everything you wanted, the nothing you needed and
the one who plunged her tongue deep into the bittersweet heart that is you
baby baby baby baby
you called me like i'm now calling you
you were older but i was wiser (that much i knew and still do)
we shared a moment that will become a second
when i look back on the us that once was me plus you
i bet you miss me baby
like i onced missed you
and when you find that special someone
i hope her kiss makes you reminisce of the
reaching searching digging probing folding and unfolding
kiss that i once gave to you

turn up your megaphone

snap crackle pop
goes the electricity
between almost touching toes
pieces of intrigue
smuggled through cable wires
while gently parted lips
remain undisclosed
tongues twisted and tied
hands tremble and shake
with anticipation
the bones know
but the brain can easily deny
sugar coated secrets
go down faster
than clear cut truths
the kind you can see
but can't quite define
mysteries abound in
the pocket of your jeans
overflowing fortune cookie intentions
you've scribbled down
on somewhat rainy days
find the message
in my bottle
and turn up your megaphone
baby i want to see
lust on your sleeve
and your heart in
my hand

love thing

i pulled you out
right out from under
my fucking fingernail
and examined your
laboured heart beat
between pinched fingers

i feel more powerful
than you look
tiny legs squirming
dancing the dance of death
right in front of me

i'm so close
i can almost taste you
smell you, but instead
i choose to tease you
because the sickness
in my brain
is looming consuming fuming

you were a living breathing
organism dwelling within me
and i'm hoping to kill you
because you've already
killed me
slowly but surely
with no alibi
or word of a lie

entered in the first of what will soon be many contests courtesy of jack's site
check them out and submit your own work for the chance to win (dramatic pause)
one billion dollars

then and now

i'm trying to pick up your thoughts
left scattered with the dried up leaves of fall
string them together and make you a necklace

the air is right for a swim with the stars
so take my hand in your pocket
shower me with magic spells, fireworks, and laughter

while our pasts intermingle
in the summer rain

mail me your life story
when you turn old and gray
and in the winter your writing will ignite
the flame you once spelled out in my brain


caress the best of me
peruse the worst
kiss me 'til you quench my soul of its thirst

lightning

wine me dine me devour my skin
tongue plunged into my cheek
searching for the sweet tooth
covered in sin

lightning strikes the same bed twice
and the impact makes waves
in the overflowing water bed


adam and eve
your appetite is my disease
there's no cure
but i could have told you that hours before
and saved you from digging up
the unknown
summer skin you found me covered in

caress your backbone
with one long fingernail
and leave a trail of regret
that will haunt your bones
and chase your soul back to my bed

escape me if you can
i don't want you anyway
but i know how to make you stay
that's the power of full lips
and a dance of death
followed by footsteps at your door

knock knock
who wants more?

slip a note under the door
come back
let lightning strike
once more

i'm

i’m sitting here crying reading something that was never meant for me my eyes ears or heart – it’s all for her – but i’m still crying with the tears dripping down washing away strategically placed smiles and all the while no sound is escaping it’s a silent cry and i’m crying for me and i’m crying for you because i don’t know how to fix you or touch you to heal you and i’m not saying i could but i’m saying i’d try and i know i’d like to take your heart and make it sing again for old times sake.
i’m feeling helpless and small – my ex is talking to me but that’s not all – i’m wondering if and when and how the feeling ends and i’m telling myself it’s a past 2 am thing and a tired thing and i’m making excuses once again but that’s life for me for now for right now and so many thoughts are slowly trying to make their way around my head and i’m thinking of the past and the present and trying not to concern myself with the future because my past follows me like my shadow and my present is a light switch i’m not in control of turning on and off with no rhyme or reason all because someone else’s finger is on the trigger.
i’m also thinking about my friends the past ones the last ones the almost romance ones and i wonder what’s going on with all of them and what they’re thinking about or dreaming about right now in this moment when i’m writing about them and you and me and her and him – indirectly – and I hope you all know the things i can’t say and that the times places spaces we’ve shared are logged away in my heart’s brain and that i think of you more often than you will ever know because these are the things we never learn how to express from books and school and teachers and rules.
i’m writing and reading and nodding away and it’s fine just fine if you don’t have anything to say because i’m fond of the silence that’s filled with words unspoken – stop by drop me a line call out my name or let it fall like footsteps on your brain and through the haze the daze the craze that’s been following me for days i’ll get back to you i promise i swear i tell you it’s true – i need you now like i needed you then and like i will need you again.

w a i t

i’d like you to do one thing for me it's quite simple really if you don't over think it that is. i'd like you to w a i t for me. not the bus stop kind of wait mind you, or even the emergency room wait (and please feel free to sigh with relief here) but a more drawn out kind of w a i t, a less intense wait. do you think that you could do that for me? i guess what i should really be asking is would you do that for me? but the truth is i'm scared to ask because i'm afraid you might say no. and i'm afraid that if you do i won't try and stop you since i don't always do the things i want, or say the way i feel. and i don't always do the things i feel and say the way i want things to be. i guess that's just me, for now, hopefully not forever, because i may end up wanting everything and having nothing or vice versa and at this point i'm not sure which one would be worse. i'm scared though. scared you'll be gone from my life, even though you're barely in it now. but i'll cling to the thread of your shirt if you'll do the same. it's only a thread after all... i'm not asking too much am i? that hardly seems like a committment... okay maybe a small one, nothing fancy though just a whisper of a promise that you'll be there when i'm ready for you and ready for us. which i think i will be because i'd like to be and maybe there's some small part of you that wants to take the time and wait for me. of course the thing is that i'm really not sure when that'll be. you see i've got a lot of thoughts swirling in my head and no butterfly net to catch them in and i'm still learning and growing and dreaming and trying to be and trying to figure out what it really means to be and to be me for that matter and to walk around in my shoes and feel comfortable in my own skin that both is and isn't me, not all, at least. i'm rambling again, but that doesn't mean i've forgotten about you you you are on my mind, or in the back of my brain, you walk with me and talk me, and slowdance with me in my dreams which are frequent and few, but sometimes, more often than not they feature you. and i wonder if you think of me, and when you do because if you haven't noticed i'm assuming you do. or maybe a better word would be pretend, because i generally don't like to assume, so i'm pretending that you think of me and dream of me and wonder about me and maybe my eyes, or smile, or maybe my laugh, i don't know, but if you're thinking about me, i'm not sure i mind whether it's a piece of the puzzle or the whole thing. it's just nice to think of me being on your mind. so what do you say? will you w a i t for me?

stay with me

There’s a faint outline
And it’s yours and it’s mine
It’s both of ours
When we’re lying here
In a state just before sleep
And just past exhaustion

I like that you can’t tell us apart
Cause we’re so wrapped up in blankets
And each other
That your hand is mine
And my hand is yours
And our souls are in line

I can hear the clock ticking
Just barely but I still know it’s there
It’s counting down the time
Until sleep finally has her way
But for now, let’s just
Stay

When I wake
I’ll wake to the same dreamy haze
That I have for the past few days
I’ll reach out for your hand
And find my own
Cold and alone

I’ll quietly go about my day
Counting down the minutes
The very seconds
Until I can see and feel you again
In that precious state
That I live for

a rambling heart

If we were to…
I mean… could we…
SHOULD we?
And if we did
Would it lose its appeal?
If we didn’t meet the way we did
If my imagination was more contained
If you didn’t reveal something you may or may not have felt
At a time when I may or may not have felt the same
Would it be different now?
But if it had to be different
Would that change everything that it was
Even if everything was really just nothing
But a day dream we both shared
On any given day
Without ever telling the other
Except if you count those small, delicate ways
That people try and say,
Without words,
But simple, cautious gestures
That they feel something
They’re hoping the other person does as well.
If you would have to take that all away,
I’d tell you
In my own simple way
That I choose the nothing
Because it meant something
To me.

eat out of my paper bag

She’s biting her lip again. It comes across as being a nervous habit, until you get to know her more. Then you realize it’s just her concentrating. Focusing her attention on her lip, but more than that at the same time. It draws you in, makes you focus in on her and she knows it. But of course, it’s not something she’d admit. We all have those things, don’t we?
She’s ready now. How do I know? She let go of her precious lip. It’s time. It begins now.
“I’m in love with love.” She finishes the thought, with a slight tilt of her head.
In love with love? Sounds like a quaint little message you’d find on a not-as-famous-as-Hallmark card. Maybe one more for those artist types. I can hear them pondering the deeper meaning, waiting for the right moment to snap their fingers in applause.
She laughs.
“I know, I know, it sounds a bit… well ridiculous.”
Ridiculous. Well something along those lines anyway. But hey, who am I to judge. In love with love. I guess it could catch on. I mean for god’s sake, those damn ponchos were everywhere, why not a somewhat overdramatic quote that bleeds the words “I’m in love with love.” We could make t-shirts…
“But think about it. I mean, that’s what you do, right?” She hesitates, but only for a moment. It is after all, all about her. Her moment. Her time. Her life.
“In love with love. It explains so much, doesn’t it?”
Ahhh… this is what it’s all about. An explanation. A way for you to explain all your past behaviour, your…
“Relationships. I mean I’ve had so many.”
If you could call them relationships, yes, you’ve had your fair share. In fact, I’d like to say this “save some for the next guy,” or girl, or better yet, for me. But, we’re talking about you.
“Right.”

“And I’m not saying that I excuse my past behaviour or anything like that…”
Oh no, of course not. Besides a devil in disguise is still a devil… That’s not to imply anything about you.
She gives me a look. This one’s new. I’ll have to make a note.
“But it helps me realize why I needed them. Why I thought… why I thought I loved them.” She gently tugs at her bottom lip again.
Did you? Did you really think you loved them? That it was love? And speaking of it… what is it? What is this big IT that people talk about? Is IT what you get in movies? Is IT always either sunshine and lollipops or pain that you can’t live without? And why do we have to choose IT? Or does IT choose us? There are so many questions… IT…it drives me insane.
“Maybe I’m not making much sense.”
Why because I started rambling. No, it’s fine. I get it. Not the big IT, but it nonetheless. At least I think I do.
“Anyway, I feel good about it. I want to tell more people. I’m in love with love. I am in Love with Love. And that’s okay.”
She smiles.
It’s not the usual one. I’ll have to make a note of that too.
But right now our time is up. My all too perky secretary has a way of announcing that in a manner that leaves little room for debate. Quite frankly, I’m afraid her perma-smile would cease to exist if you told her I was in need of more time. Everything has to be just so for her. She’s like some freaky robot with wires pulled too tight around a barely existent frame. But that’s another story altogether.
The clicking of heels on my marble floor brings me back to her. She’s getting up now. She’s ready to leave. We exchange small smiles and she floats, in heels no less, to the door. And then she’s gone. Gone.
“I’m in love with love.” Those words are still running through my ears. Running through my brain. Running through my heart… or at least what’s left of it.
And I’m trying desperately to remember a time when I too was
“in love with love”

she says

She says she does it for the money
I want to tell her that I don’t think that’s true
She smiles at me and before I even have a chance to speak
She tells me life sometimes, really is that simple.
Sometimes there is no deeper meaning, no underlying motivation, no sliver of life to be investigated, analysed and reconstructed
I don’t know what to say,
Life is supposed to be complicated,
There are supposed to be reasons, explanations and hidden meanings
You’re supposed to work at trying to find the key, and once you do, you move on to the next closed door, that’s just waiting to be opened
She looks at me and shrugs,
A gesture so dismissive, I don’t even know how to respond
She tells me I’d simply like to believe that’s true
But when she performs, she tells me it really is just about the money,
Not some invisible insecurity,
But money, green, thick wads of it that she can tuck away and use up before that inevitable rainy day
I shake my head and try to start a fresh argument
One that would satisfy my psych professor,
But she cuts me off, deliberately and forcefully
And one last time
She says she does it for the money
And I want to know if I could do that too

read between the lines

jumbled up letters
in a creamy red base
lying side by side
and face to face
spelling out words that
don't make sense and
yet somehow do
if you let your mind
decipher what the heart
already knew
our love is alphabet soup

one way conversation

i want you
i need you
fuck it
goodnight

come back to me
i miss you
i love you
hold tight

pull away
push together
hold me
goodnight

stop
go
NO

i want you
please
understand
i need you
not you, your hand

to hold
to squeeze
to caress
to touch

one last time
always
never
fuck it
f o r e v e r

criminal intent

i drink in the silence of your kiss
from across the crowded, perfumed room
and find myself reminiscing of a time
i believed i could fly

the thought swirls in my head
in perfect harmony with the blonde
twirling the olive in her i'm-so-sexy drink
that screams her invisible insecurity

* but back to you *

your eyes are the colour of hope
a mix between ice cold blue and sapphire
and more than anything i want to hold your hand
and steal your heart without feeling guilty

i'll add you to my latest collection
inspired by Juliet and her Romeo
and for as long as i can make you love me
we'll live together...separately

i ii iii iv

i
little white lie
whispered in your ear
to calm the rising tide
in your quiet soul
and tell you everything
she knows you want to hear

ii
seconds of hesitation
as you gaze in her blue-green eyes
never noticing the subtle changes
that take place behind the veil
of blue-green flecks of colour
swirling in an ocean full of lies

iii
tiny sips of coffee
as i watch the scene play out
for i see beyond her act
and the strategically placed smile
that tells me she'll win you back
a thousand and one times

iv
words run through my mind
for the twenty second and a half time
"i'd love you more"
if you'd just let me
but the answer is there
in your own quiet smile

a loser's game

and i'll lose one more to love
in a competition that lives
just outside my reach
and as you stride toward him
you'll forget to turn back and wave
to me
and once more all that will
remain is the dust that once
spelled out your name
in a competition that lives
just outside my reach

love song with a twist

i wanna walk in your denial
i wanna sit and count to ten
catch all the lost stars that
slow dance in those eyes of yours
and finally succumb to the trance

i watch your life like an old time movie
and rest my head against your soul
your tears i drink and call a potion
of love and hate
it all depends on my state of emotion

i wanna walk in your denial
i wanna sit and count to ten
let the rain pour down on my pale blue spine
and drown the voices you kiss me with in bed

i wake up to a star lit night light
with the smell of you still in the air
you tell me we're the perfect couple
on every eighth day of the week
and i whisper i know it's true
but not to you
but not to you

i wish the time would rewind slowly
before i knew myself through you
your love consumes the best of my desires
and magnifies the plainness of my smiles
that are all for you, but for a few

i wanna walk in your denial
i wanna sit and count to ten
i wanna walk in your denial
but then again, i think i already do

opposites attract

Let me hold you close
An arms length away
And be lost in your presence
2 miles and 6 days away
from you
I drink in the sweet smell of you
Found clinging to a shirt you said
you'd never give away
That now sits on my bedpost as my
one and only reminder of you
* * *
You left without saying goodbye
You left without saying goodbye
You left without saying goodbye
And all I have left to say is
thank you

come find me

Take away the lovesick lullaby
And the dreamy haze that covers the eye
Unmask the secret smile
Meant solely for the other
And you'll find me
Wrapped up only in blankets
And the occasional piece of lace
Not really waiting
Yet unmistakeably hesitating
Not for the completion of my soul
But for the other whole

me

I've seen the way you look at me
Searching with your cautious eyes
For clues, for signs, for some indication
That will confirm what you feel inside
I know you think I've changed
Some way, some how
And you're right, I have
But no matter where you look
You'll never see the change on me
Because you see
The change is all inside
Covered by layers of skin
And the smile you've always known
Wrapped up in a bottle
That will one day overflow
And spill the contents of my soul
All over the black and white tile floor
So if I seem different to you
It's simply because I am
And though you won't be able
To pinpoint the change
I think you need to know it's there
Because I know
And I like it
Whether it's right or wrong
It's me

little black box

nothing but the empty space
walls covered in black oil based paint

the faint smell of a lost childhood
lingers in the suffocating air
reminding you that dreams fade fast
and old wounds never fully heal

the pain of utter loneliness is all that you can taste
its bittersweet flavour sits on your tongue
reminding you that love is lost
and once again there is no way to escape

the sound of plunging expectations is all that you can hear
its unmistakable noise haunts your unfortunate ear
reminding you both night and day that you're here to stay
and all that's left to do is sit still, wait patiently and pray

the teardrops of regret are all that you can see
they swim around your eyes in a mist of cloudy grey
reminding you that you can't walk away from the shame
and no matter what, the teardrops will always remain

the cold touch of a starless night
evades your personal space
reminding you that the light has gone
and left you without a trace

nothing but the empty space
walls covered in black oil based paint

welcome to my humble abode
that little black box
that has made itself my home

i heard you say goodbye

I've heard you say those words
A thousand times
I've replayed them over and over
In my mind
Trying to recapture the beautiful melody
Of your voice

Last night the same words
I heard you say
But this time something had changed
It wasn't the same
For in them I heard what seemed to be
A note of finality

Perhaps I imagine too much
And know too little
Yet in those words most often said
With great care
I heard you say something else
As well

I heard you say goodbye

serpentine lover

Your sense of timing is impeccable
You know when to slither back into my life
At the exact moment I need you the least
And want you the most

I wish I didn't need to hear those words
But somewhere not so deep inside my mind
I know that I do
Even if they are from someone like you

The compliments you whisper to me behind closed doors
Slide off your tongue in one smooth and fluid motion
And for those brief, stolen moments in time
I find myself captivated by beautifully worded lies

I've given up believing that I can be rid of you
Because no matter how many minutes tick away
Between one tale of lies and the next
You will always lurk in the shadows of my world
Waiting to reveal yourself once again

the one

She lies there, hidden from your careless gaze
Watching you from behind a layer of lies
Aching to be wanted, to be noticed,
To be see for who she is

Insecurity and fear wrap around her slender wrists
Enslaving her to that cold and lonely spot she calls home
Where she watches helplessly through her captor's eyes
Silently screaming for you to take notice

She believes that you have seen her, she's sure of it
You must have caught a glimpse of her, perhaps a small sliver
When her captor wasn't ready, when she was caught off guard
For she can't always maintain her composure, can she?

Perhaps it's easier for you to pretend she's not there
To ignore the pain she brings to light
To walk away from the truth that she embodies
Perhaps it's easier for you to pretend she can't exist

For once you see her, once you really get a good look
You can no longer fool yourself into believing she's not there
You can no longer deny her ever-so-real existence
For once you see her, once you really see her, there is no turning back

In that moment you will realize your own worst fears
You will confront the one she pushed away
You will no longer be able to accept the made up truth
In that moment you will realize that she lives inside you too

my heartache

somehow
you managed to break down
the walls
that guard my heart
and you didn't stop there
you ran through the maze
as though you've been there
before
you broke away the chains
and knocked down the doors
and finally
you knelt down before the lock
and carefully inserted the key

allowing you access
complete
and
infinite
access to my heart
now exposed to the world
vulnerable
and unprotected
but happier than I ever imagined
it could be
until
I shared my news
I spoke of you
the one who resided in
my heart
the one and only
who managed to get that far
without being pushed away
without giving up
without looking back

his response to the news
emerged
from the depths of his being
a scream
a scream unlike any I have known
for
this scream exploded out of
his mouth
sending shattered pieces of glass
flying at

my heart
my happy
unprotected
vulnerable
exposed heart
hitting it with a force unmatched
to this day
piercing my heart
defenceless to the pain
for the lock
the doors, the chains
the maze, and the walls
had vanished
had been rendered useless
when faced with your power
your strength
your determination
your love
but
with no protection
my heart was not alone
in its suffering
you
living in my heart
felt each unloving blow
you too were under attack
and subsequently
I asked you to leave
I begged you to leave
I made you leave
because
as painful as the reaction was
to me alone
it was nothing compared to
the sorrow
I felt knowing you too
would feel pain
and so you left
without looking back
having given up
having been pushed away
leaving me alone
once again

I changed the lock
and hid the key
I bolted the door
and added more chains
I created a new maze
and rebuilt the walls
making them
higher
higher than ever before
and

now I sit here
alone
wondering if anyone will
come along
and find the entrance to
my heart
if anyone will take the time
to kiss my wounds
and put an end
to
my heartache
(like you did)

the sweetest exchange

Through made up lashes, I steal a glance in your direction
Hoping to catch your eyes ever so carefully sneaking a look back at me
So that for one brief stolen moment in time our eyes can meet

With sweet delight I watch as your beautiful eyes turn to me
Causing the previously undisturbed butterflies inside me to gently flutter their wings
Confirming the meeting I've been waiting for

As quickly as the moment occurs, it disappears
For having caught your eye my own quietly slip away
Hoping to have made yours thirsty for a second glance

With barely a moment's hesitation, my eyes find their way back to you
Lingering slightly longer this time, to admire and gaze at you fondly
And discover beauty I had not seen at first glance

The flutter of now awaken butterfly wings intensifies inside me
As my eyes watch your beautiful body gracefully weave its way towards me
Your eyes locked permanently onto my own

You stop only inches away from my quietly trembling body
Making my eyes blind to everything and everyone else but you
Exactly the way I hoped it would be from the moment I laid eyes on you

Through sweet glances and blushing cheeks, we exchange a dialogue like no other
The kind that causes my butterflies to silently float up and beat against my heart
Overwhelming my entire being in a way I wish would never end

raindrops

Raindrops softly stream down my face
Taking the place of absent tears
Flowing freely without care or fear or pain
Following their own path
Never looking back, never apologizing
Just slowly careening down the curves of my face
As my own tears remain locked in their secret place
Unable to escape
Unable to flow freely without care or fear or pain
Wishing they could break free
And replace the raindrops
But secretly knowing they can't
They won't
They must not