if i could tell you
i would tell you
tell you that things have changed
your hair never looks quite the same
but your eyes have more depth and more sorrow
you feel heavy and i have only entered the room
you stand tall but your shadow
looks for a place to lean
you smile but at times your eyes give you away
and i picture you somewhere else
try to keep a vision of you
wrapped in scarves
filled with knowledge
that you could change the world
i believed in you
i still do
if i could tell you
i would tell you
that you are strong where i am weak
that i have more faith in you than myself
and that you will succeed because of no one else
but you
you hold more power than you use
and intrigue me even after all these years
if i could tell you
i would tell you
that i think you've lost a part of you along the way
he took a piece and he earned a piece and he now has a piece
but you are whole in more ways than you know
you should know that
you have yet to become less in my eyes
you can only become something more
and i look forward to
meeting you in the future
having been informed of past
puzzle pieces and present day daydreams
if i could tell you
i would tell you
that fear only grabs hold for a moment or two
and those of us who face it
become fearless in more ways than one
you should know that
even without others
you are not alone
you have enough to feed and grow on
living inside of you
and you would make it
i swear you would
if i could tell you
i would tell you
that life has its ups and downs
but we can choose which one to live with
you know more about yourself than you care to admit
and don't need me to tell you what you already know
you have strength and passion
you have honesty and integrity
and you will become something
even if you stand alone
if i could tell you
i would tell you
things that would hurt
but that at times i feel should be said
things i may not know
things that i simply feel
or imagine or suppose or even assume
but things nonetheless that arise
from moments when your eyes
don't match the words in your heart
and your soul seems sad and weary
if i could tell you
i would tell you
that you deserve more than you think you do
always have and will continue to
you have risen up from ashes of pain
moved past names and have become the one
deep inside of you
now you need to hold on to her
because she's worth it
and you shouldn't give her up
for anything or anyone
if i could tell you
i would tell you

when he walks he leaves you with an imprint
a footprint
and several handprints
that can be seen along the curve of your back
and the shape they take is
barely recognizable to you
when you dream he isn't there
there is another
one whose potential has grown to an ideal form
and he haunts you in ways i think he knows
but can't quite share with you in person
there was a time when i heard it in his voice
captured in time for a few stolen moments
and when you listen to him i think you hear it too
when you listen to him i think a part of you
flies away to be with the part of him he gave you
years ago
and in some other world lost in space
the two of you are holding hands
and nothing is greater than your love

in the present moment though
you are stamped with with footprints
and handprints and fingerprints
that mark his territory
you have become one i no longer know completely
though in truth you always had something to hide
we stand on separate sides of the same dream
and we both want more than we know how to get
and we both need more than the other can give
in times like these we collapse inside ourselves
and the part we show the world has one expression
one kind of face
we speak in static tones
and hide the part of ourselves we barely know

the days pass long and dull
and you sit by the window
looking out at your dreams
that are slowly slipping away from you
you watch them pass
and remember the time you held them
in the palm of your hand
you walk alone even though
i stand beside you
sometimes behind you
just in case you need me there
in truth i know you do
but find it hard to show it
in truth i need you more than i let
myself believe

we were
two of some kind of thing that remotely sounds the same
we are
far apart though you live close enough
that at times i can hear you breathe
lately it resembles a sigh
i don't mind
or so i tell you
the loudest sigh of all is still my own

you and him
the two of you
loosely spoken words
loosely tied together in some makeshift lullaby that soothes
but doesn't quite comfort

i know you
or at least the image of you
i hold in my mind
i see her
you in some other form
looking down at me
from above
you were always above and i was always below
you were always more than i bargained for
and i feel a little less at home in my own shoes

the skin i find you wrapped in has become hard
rough to the touch though i know you work on that everyday
you soak your skin with something a little more soft
and the result is a mixture of hard and soft skin
that you wrap yourself in to hide
i think you hide from things you're too afraid of
and i think you have been given more credit than you deserve
at times
few times
once or twice if that
i know you know things about yourself that i never will
i know you hear things i can only imagine
i know you hurt even when i don't think it's possible for someone like you
and i know you know that i do too
i know we are weak in ways the other is strong
and i know you can't touch the part of me that still remains covered
i know there is a part of you i will never know as well as i would like
and we both know he's not the one for you
not this way
not like this
not with heavy hands that don't touch but stamp themselves down on you like you're an item that has been tagged
not like this with tears that dry when he is ready to speak
not like this when your words are mixed with his words and the words that you are longing to be able to say
we
you
i
let us sit
side by side

hushed tones spoken over lines that can't
communicate the distance in your eyes
and the hesitation in your heart
familiar words become foreign
when ears on the other end
hear thoughts instead of words
and silences full of words you never
intended to share
your eyes begin to carry the thoughts
you leave inside your head
closed off and seemingly detached
from your heavy heart
movement becomes one of familiar motion
coordinated through years of repetition
while the brain can ease itself to sleep
where dreams become the escape to live for
and reality is only a momentary phase
you try to smile your way through

stolen moments in my mind
stolen away from me
i hurt you to make you stay
you hurt me to feel something new
i wandered along the avenue
i paused for a second
maybe two
you whispered to me
when we laid in bed
you said the nicest things to me back then
right before you fell asleep
always before you fell asleep
the next day it was the same
the newspaper where you left it
the dishes piled high above our heads
and the look you gave me
the one that set in the sun
it was
it was
...

you used to make me laugh
i barely remember what my voice was like back then
you had a way
you had a way with me
you had a way with me sometimes
all the time
when you wanted to
but it was always when you wanted
never on my time
never in my mind
never when i needed you the most
but always when i couldn't stand to be around you
like you were trying to be the glue
but honey
it was always me
i was always the glue
and now it's something even i can see

tried to sleep in a room streamed with sunlight
facing a mirror that stole glances at me
through the not yet night light
thoughts drifted in and out about you
and some visions i had in mind for a long time
but have never quite been able to say
despite the lengthy amount of time you gave me
caught in my hand, holding closed my heart

you are that which cannot be verbalized
though you have been idealized and commercialized
in my desperately needing to sleep mind that
runs timid hands down your ever-changing frame

i have grown with you though you will never know
the extent of my beautifully construed appearance
more beautiful than the words used
to explain your carefully created presence

you are the hope i cling to despite every wrong turn i have taken
you are making the words that should flow with ease the hardest to say
out loud
you are more beautifully construed than the words i've tried to use
to explain your carefully created presence
and i remain yours


in waiting




written months ago as a draft

your hands
pale white skin glowing
as they ease their way over strings
creating vibrating melodies
i want to feel
instead of hear
you move with grace
and a kind of precision
a girl like me can admire
your fingers
often forgotten in the presence
of your laugh
your penetrating gaze
are now the only thing on my mind
your fingers
have become more than mere extensions
of hands that linger when mine are near
your fingers
have taken on a new form
and i imagine them easing their way
around compromises and midnight moments
consuming temptation
and leaving me a little more
mesmerized by
hands once forgotten
and fingers pale and white

eyes beheld aged intentions
hands withering gray
too many years spent justifying words
with deeper meanings
we stood in weighted silence
knees weak with shared knowledge
tongues echoing memories
from the abyss of closed off mouths
we stood still in weighted silence
whole bodies yearning
pressed against the fence
of feet with forgotten steps
glued in place
held together by the string
holding up our now heavy hearts
we stood in weighted silence
waiting for the courage to
listen to the other speak words
we both wanted to hear
we stood still in weighted silence
while they carried on without us

we met on a subway
or a train
possibly in the middle of the day
with you resting on my brain
i can't quite remember
but in a sense it's all the same
you were there
standing sitting dreaming drinking
i was here
moving walking talking potentially stalking
some form of life i had at one point
but seem to have misplaced along the way
think i left it as a bread crumb
to come back to
hansel and gretel style
but let's go back
back to you
back to me
meeting somewhere at some place
and sharing some moment in each other's lives
sharing the aftertaste of a hard day's work
and too much coffee with too little time
to sit down and enjoy it
you looked like him
maybe i looked like her
we passed each other
doubled back
looked back
but somehow didn't make it back
what was that all about
why didn't we try
why couldn't we just have lied
to the world perhaps
to the blurry stars in the sleepy sky
just trying to make it all come true
for the lonely wanderers
in all of us

- found this among my drafts, read it over and thought i'd post it.

i never want to forget

the way you snuck out to the fridge to eat cream cheese because you liked it so much but didn't want anyone else to see you or the way you laughed with your body shaking like santa claus and tears running down your perfectly tanned skin lined with memories of places and times and moments and other tears that happened long before i was around to see them. your voice which was always filled with love and sincerity or the way you looked at me at him at us our little family or the pictures we have of the moments we shared that tell part of the story in freeze frame. that time in the basement with marko and i getting stuck inside a blanket crawling around and making our way up the stairs calling your name to come find us and save us from our own childish games or the way you spoke english with caution that nonetheless never stopped you from trying. running up to you in the airport and throwing my arms around you and the two of us crying even though it was a hello moment and not a goodbye see you soon (hopefully) moment. we had our fun we had our laughs that shattered language barriers and made the distance between us grow smaller in an instant. we had our tears of joy and our tears of laughter that mingled before settling just below the skin locked away and saved up for another rainy day. your love of dominoes and dancing the way you smiled with your eyes your love of long hair and fancy updos your love of pictures in front of beautiful displays and the way you packed up suitcases with pieces of your home to add to our home. baking together in the kitchen (our special you and me time) with you taking your time to show me how with patience and love wrapped up in every fold of dough. you praised the smallest accomplishments in all of us and always found ways to say i love you whether in words or looks or gestures that seemed to emanate from inside displayed on the outside dressed up in red your favourite colour. you were and will always be in memory form a special part of my life my love my heart.

by the book

an afternoon affair
back by bedtime
consciously confiding consumed cravings
dark details; delve deeper
eternity encapsulated
fallen far from father's footsteps
give gave got
heavenly handprints
irrevocably inspired in inarticulate interest
jeopardizing journeys
kindling kaleidoscopic karma
labeled lust
my memory moves me
now
obvious obsession
partook; pure pleasure pacifying
quintessential
ramblings reaching radiant rapture
sacrificing sacred selves
together tranquil
underneath undeniably unarmed unions
veiled vacancy
welcoming wanton ways
xrayed
years; young-eyed youthfulness
zealously zen

can we start over old friend
i miss your summer laugh and winter skin
you entered my life in slow motion
and settled just below my skin
we were an odd combination
of young and slightly younger
and the part we discovered in each other
was what the other
had tried to cover
you were once all show and tell to me
once great ideas and dramatic overtures
street walking to singapore scores
and calling out in tarzan like roars
i was once the innocent
the one you barely knew
(perhaps the last line remains true)
the one more serious than the likes of you
i discovered an intriguing side of you
one whose thoughts seemed to weigh more than my own
one whose words unveiled nerves and plights and love sick fights
for them for her for you
you were more gentle than i knew
more cautious and more daring too
when given the choice you asked for the long
rather than the short side of my story
you listened without judgement
and asked questions i had yet to know
how to answer
(funny how that remains true too)
maybe i showed you a side of me
that few have come to know
one more laid back and wacky
sometimes even more so than you
maybe i surprised you
maybe i compromised some part of you
(or made it seem like i wanted to)
maybe my mouth spoke too soon
maybe it should have ended before it all began
but maybes were never made for me
old friend
and in the end of the end of the end
i think i met myself through you
so
all i really want you to know
is that i miss you
old friend
because in your own platonic way
you made the extra ordinary extraordinary
and that's all i want you to hear me say

3 circles and a square

he was
we were
silence
with an undertone of
something bordering
a feeling
wrapped in an
emotion
struggling to break
through the layers
of life
and
breathe

she was
we were
acquainted
when no one else
could see
arms outstretched
and notes passed
down from generations

he was
we were
heart broken
when together
and more miserable
when apart
counting down days
that gained a months weight
without showing any signs
of pregnant perfection

she was
we were
in love
with the same idea
and bound by
common ground

he was
we were
fools
by our own admission
and worldly in our dreams
as we played hopscotch
with worn out ankles
and tag without moving

he was
we were

she was
we were

united

you moved yourself a mountain of words
leaving trails of dirt behind the backs of
sunday morning hand washings
i stood in the sun watching your back
break through the leaves of newly formed trees
basking in the glow of an undecided rainbow
we met in the afternoon
a compromise of night time pleasures
and early morning sunrises
and we slept through the winter months
till we could no longer recognize
the smell of snow
we grew on coffee beans
and stored away the vacant dreams
for someone else to find them
ate the spring time rain
and lived in trees shaped like the arms
of two lovers embracing

we were free then

return to sender

night time flickers in your candlelight eyes
as my response glows softly in the abyss leading to a widowed exit
your name was once synonymous with home
your body once told the fairy tale ending of where my mind used to roam
thoughts of you now fill the space between holes left unattended
those that are still in need of being mended
once is now a long time ago
and only in the dark do my eyes hide the part of you that hasn't left me

before is now the voice of my desire
as the past sits and waits for me to conspire
a way of going back to that lost moment in time
when pieces of you and i were intertwined

daylight hours spent falsifying smiles
unnatural movements of hands fingertips and slow moving feet
bent on running backwards
misshapen phrases and lonely late night daydreams
mingle with the smell of you that still resides in the air

maybe i spent a little too much time
sipping champagne while i waited for sugar coated alibis
you on the other hand were warmed by the winter sun
cool in the summer heat and born to shine like fool's gold
maybe i needed other ways to spend my days
instead of tracing the outline of your footsteps
and trying to find enough of myself to fill them
while you made it all look so easy with your wayward smile
and blue eyes that turned green only when i looked away

maybe i melded the inside particles of pieces you forgot to overturn
made a new space for that heart shaped ideal i had long ago planted
and wound myself furthest away from your perfected ring finger
maybe i spent a little too much time
thinking of ways to slow down and unwind the turn around of time
while you were moving on in words followed some time later by actions
seen and never heard

(the prelude to war)
i left you in the summer of '96 or '97
alone writing coloured letters in a marker almost to thick for your small artist hands
pen-pal thoughts floated with european sophistication i was still trying to grasp
i was surrounded by familiar strangers all drinking in my youth and still apparent naiveté
except for one
that girl in the middle of the open road throwing rocks at me while she cursed my being with dirty words calling me an "american"
i knew the word but couldn't comprehend it's meaning
i understood but could not bring myself to understand

(the beginning of the new)
i came back and the one i had left had become a part of two
new feelings moved thoughts into actions never before taken
new exchanges between us too more words of him and the two of you
new words to learn new comforts to voice new concerns new places new spaces carved out and opened shared and distributed among two as three was one too many

the girl who throw rocks aimed higher than my feet
but she had missed my heart

(the ongoing past)
you were only one of a more recent two
spiral effect that consumed more than it could care for
i was left on the brink staring into the warped sense of yourselves watching you all drown in love pools sparking envy at every turn and gaining new senses of selves once unconcerned with proper ways to formulate future tenses
left on the outside staring back into a slowly changing reflection that gained ground and strength in itself mainly because it had to
survival of the fittest meant something solitary holding in and letting out only in stolen moments that seated one at a table generally reserved for two

the girl threw rocks aimed higher than my feet
but she was too far away to leave marks of pain

(the repetitious now)
you consumed the better parts of me highlighted them and made them all your own
showcased more eloquently in a manner too intrinsic for me to compete with
she the one above had been all the more than me leaving me with smiles while he kissed her ear on the telephone line breaking up my sound and leaving me to mend

you came a little later in the game
made up for lost time in letters and notes passed through student body hands
overflowing in lockers separated at first by chance later by choice
complicated games played in the schoolyard stretched too thin when the lines of communication moved from mouths to modern day "conveniences"
things were said and feelings were exchanged that crossed invisible boundaries and leave me and perhaps you wondering what happened and how a moment could hold so much and yet so little meaning in the end

you had him and then him and then him repeated twice three times or more
too many names and dates and times and places and fights and makeups and breakdowns and moments shared with too little space in my brain to keep it all wrapped up and tied with a bow
now with him the competition has ceased and branched out to other areas
snuffing out individual flames of my moments between fingers that never burn
covering up traces of my marks as you take and take and take
outshining me at every turn while my humble light grows faint

you are different and in the end may be the same
in the end maybe it is all the same
for now i am in your glowing light
basking in your worth virtually free of the competitive edge i have known
you are me in ways i can only imagine
know more than i could ever possibly learn
and shine more brightly than any i have ever known

i am happy for you but in happiness the clocks seem closer to the end of time
if there is a pattern i have found it and watched it rise and fall rise fall and repeat
i hold on in ways that are childish to some
but there was a promise made that has yet to be kept sparking a desire yet to be fulfilled
the more i listen the more i learn
more to remember harder to forget
more to carry with me along the way
as i move between shadows

i may never find a stronger rock
so i hold to those that are there when i can no longer stand and need to lean
the yous of my life keep me
but the yous of my life disappear and move to stronger rocks and more helpful hands
while i plant new feet on which to stand

the girl threw rocks aimed higher than my feet
but she saved my heart for another

beckett's ear

sit
blink
stare
wait
pause
move
silence

sit
mouth
open
close
repeat

blink

swallow
mouth
open
close
fast
slow

stare

hear
listen
hear
listen
listen
listen
repeat
repeat
repeat

think

move
silence

hear
silence

speak
silence

words
echos
voices
concerns

hushed
silenced
murmured

surrender

push
pull
condense
strain
narrow
closet
box

them
those thoughts

heal
wound
scar
scab
healing
relief

sit
blink
stare
repeat

mouth
open
close
slower
faster
slow

break
breathe
promise

stare
gaze
ponder
question
wonder
answer

communicate

outside
inside
divided

sit
stare
pause
listen
and
repeat
repeat
repeat

bruised all knowing no speaking eyes
...staring back into your thinly veiled nevermind the rest kind of disguise
those eyes
....silently waiting for recognizable thoughts and expressions
to turn in their repressed graves
..... and search the hollow wind for a little more air
you should have spoken
................................up
but you stayed silent and still and you
(a laugh that resembles a sigh)
were always prone to asking why and never doing anything more about it
..i could have lied
(the eyebrow's raised, the smile fades)
i should have lied
ten thousand little lies
...then we'd wind up with the version of truth
that's being suffocated between us
.....you hold out
i put out
... hands over hearts over hands over mouths over meetings times reasons questions
..................................answers
shake off my memory
... hold on
i think i'm starting to pray
....or was it prey or pry
or did i pray to prey or pay to prey or pray to pay or pay to pray to pry
(a lone and single solitary sigh)
it's gone that moment
faded almost fully jaded
.....like them
those eyes
...fading into some background of my brain
soaking up the soul i should have sold
......the going rate is twice what it was
did you know?
.......................................................i'm moving

lovely little loveshaped thing

i just wanna hear you say that you'd rather run away than hide from my eyes and the disguise that you built all around me

i just wanna hear you say those three little words that have nothing to do with valentine's day
come tickle my ear with what i'm longing to hear before you run close the door and let it all disappear as if i was something to fear and the walls were too thin for you to thin for you dear
you've known my name in some place in your brain so now's not the time to refrain from the highs that you felt when i was closer to you
close to that space in the palm of your face that when push came to shove was the closest of space...s
we were young and in love hearts above all other things all other things just didn't share the same ring when it came to our lovely little loveshaped thing
i miss the sweet smell of you tracing me back to you leading me guiding me back to you
and when i think you like i often do you're that space in my place that lights up face and i'm longing to feel the sunshine like i used to
cause honey you leave a smile on my face that i have yet to replace
yet to
replace
you



~ photograph taken by jenn

i know you're not fooled by my well intended lies and that you see straight through my quickly fading disguise and i know you don't believe my look-away eyes and i'm partially glad that you know me enough to know that much about me i don't want to have to have that talk because i can't recognize the image i see in the mirror i'm blurry and tear stained and feeling so drained that part of me slips away with each shower and the bare bone minimum is never as good as i once thought it could be i know i'm not fooling you mainly because i'm no longer even fooling myself i've been stretched so thin and etched so faintly i'm starting to lose my own outline and it scares me at times breathing in super slow motion like i'm relearning the whole act when it should already be memorized then again i always seem to be two steps behind the crowded mass that moves in front of me turning back around ever so seductively to remind me that what they have remains at the outer limits of my reach and i can't quite breach the code because my password has long been outdated and should by now have faded to the back of my mind but that's the way things seem to go now as i drown a little deeper in the sea that i can't quite see so there's no way to describe it it's beyond you and me so while you stretch out your hand i'll be squinting a little too hard to see you there right in front of me while i sit down and think about my constant wish to rewind the time and go back to a place in mind that made sense of the senseless back to a time when we thought we'd be schooled with all the right tools to figure ourselves out before we unraveled in the process of getting better acquainted with our insides that read between the lines and envelop our escape route in lines one word too many so for now let us sit in silence postponing my inevitable leaving the goodbyes and the times to linger in the air where they belong hidden by the stars and looking down at you and me glowing with good intentions and well rehearsed mentions of things to do and people to see and ways to be when rock hard outer shells turn soft and sway under all the weight of keeping things locked up tight and let's you and i
act like its all okay because i'm waiting for that day that inevitable day
to never come

m-i-s-s-i-n-g

i miss your eyes weighed down by words you left unspoken words that formed and moved around your tongue tied down by helpless emotion and i miss your silent laughter that bubbled up from within and never escaped never had a chance to but tried numerous times i miss your jaded memory that blurred the lines of our existence and miscommunicated the dates and numbers and times that we shared when we were apart and i miss the dreams you claimed you had but never did they were only words lovely beautiful well planned words of things you wanted to say without really saying without really owning them and so you named them dreams and i went along for much too long but still will if you will only you let me

let me in it's cold outside and i've stood here for days wondering when your body will arrive and take a seat next to mine on the bus that drives along the same path and always ends up in a different place like our love story that once had a rhyme but no longer resembles what we wrote down in permanent marker i miss that marker it left the day you did followed you home wherever that may be at this given moment in time you were always on the move and only stayed long enough for me to get in your groove and then you moved on to the city lights that shine brighter than the stars we always planned to sleep under but never had the time to we were always too busy with other things and plans and people that mention they miss your mind but not in quite the same way i do because i miss that mishapen mind of yours and the way it forgot to let me in and the way it fooled everyone even you yes i miss that mind because it was there that i made you

grows faint

you became entangled you became intertwined in mind with ease unseen before your moves and big city grooves and changes of heart that were typed in solitude. i became a little more than you originally bargained for. grew a little less faint and a little more sublime in time as we moved through the abyss of unschooled monday blues searching for clues that made sense of our shared stolen time line that abruptly came to an end. you fell. you fell like rain and didn't stop weaving through the november days and lovesick giveaways that had remained unspoken. i shook. i shook like recently faded autumn leaves weighed down by memories of past moments illuminated in my mind's eye and the we that had dared to be whispered began to grow faint began to disseminate began to form a lie that once spelled out you and i with only two letters.

now tell me why did we even try?



~ photo taken by doug