she walked in
high heeled anger
cursed in prose
soiled your lips
with just one kiss
and it shows

she talks in
rhythmic dial tones
moves in martini shakes
and double takes
while you sit
and miss her
"tiptoes"
and the way her
"hair grows"

she only compromised
when she knew she'd win
only spoke when her voice
wasn't well enough to "sing"
refused to leave
when you needed to go
and only begged to stay
right before she'd run away

but you
you loved her anyway

loved her made up face
her concubine waist
her lacquered skin
and even her taste

loved her sunless stare
her worn out love affair
her rose coloured dreams
and everything in between

and i
i knew better
but loved you all the same



why
ask her
she knew
that's why she loved you too

i thought i knew you
recognized you
felt you
in some way
sometimes big
sometimes small
standing there
arms outstretched
mouth wide open
no sign of anything
that couldn't be classified as ordinary
but the curtain falls
and you make your way backstage
and the you i thought i knew
has died
flown away
been a lie
who are you in those moments
when you stand for words
you can barely speak
all cut throat
and dynamite
all flame and fight
fire in your once yielding eyes
i don't know you
maybe i never have
never will
never could
or can
you seem so foreign now
fueled from within
spewing out hate and judgment
overruling, overstepping, obscuring
all that i thought was once there
alive and well
breathing
calmly
rationally
evenly

could i have been so wrong
could i have misjudged you so
were there earlier signs
did i miss them
consciously
subconsciously
unconcsiously

which one of us has lied
more?

if i could but break away...

who are we
this group i call home
these people frozen in time
these day old memories
strung together like christmas lights
wrapped in chapters that once aligned
and now just seem to go together
because they always have
greens and blues
mixed in with pale pinks and deep reds
voices that change
falter and speak
when silence is needed

who are we
these desert eaters
these lonely companions
these high heeled indulgences

who are we
what have we become
why are we
more importantly to some

i have seen your faces
heard your cries
whispered school time lullabies
and sung songs to pass the times

we have not stood together in many ways
but the show must go on
and as the curtain rises we are one
seemingly one
seemingly so
and yet the curtain closes
and though we long to take our separate bows
we move in unison
always together
always as one


if i could but break away



who would i be





who would i become

oh i remember
oh i remember all too well
look away eyes
and heart shaped lies
and all the things promised but never made
broken and laid
to rest
yes i remember those "good old days"
that were filled with the same misery as today
but somehow seem better
given the distance
yes i remember the way you wore your hair
the way you said you didn't care
and the way i knew deep down
that you did
at least for a while
at least for a moment
at least for one imperceptible second of time
that somehow registered in my mind
because of words you spoke
and all that never was

i remember those times
though we slip away
and through each others' fingers
like sleepy sand
gently washing our hands of another layer
of so-called skin

times have changed
but i see you now like i saw you then
close enough to feel you
close enough to linger
close enough to picture us
in a world of my creation
where all the outside factors
don't matter
and at the end of the day
i realize that whether we shared
a moment or a second
or even a single day
you never wanted more from me anyway
it was all just a game
some weird drawn out game
with too many lines
and not enough brain
with so much of my heart
and so little of your pain





oh i remember
oh i remember all too well

old friend
is it the end
though we're not supposed to say
even when we look the other way
has our time passed
has our moment faded
should we go our separate ways
old friend
i don't always recognize myself with you
the way i used to
changes in our lives
our faraway lives
our fairytale disguise
our separate hands
and the space between our hearts
have grown
shifted
moved
and been transferred along the way
old friend
i can't tell which i miss more
the you and i that was
or what i thought we would have been
that seems stolen now
forgotten now
unable and impossible
now
now that we have started this new path
this new stage
old friend
i didn't ask for this
but i have long felt it would be the case
perhaps we have reached our limit
expired our linked brains
and harmonized laughter
moved apart
and built up new walls
old friend
so many things that could be said
perhaps even should be said
spoken and shared with others
unburdened to another
left hanging in the air
haunting the space between us
that even now grows
evolves
shifts and moves
before i can contemplate its shape
old friend
your outline is lost in some other time
and pieces of you
encircle my mind when i grow idle
too tired to shift gears
and think of something or someone else
old friend
the changes have been a part of our world
for longer than i have been allowed to say
changes that defy boundaries
changes that obscure what made us so much of what i loved
changes that poke holes and tiny cracks
in what we once worked so hard to conserve
changes that seem small and still make my heart ache
a piece of clothing i don't recognize
the mention of some unfamiliar person or place
that holds a new fragment of your heart
conversations cut down like old trees
constant flights
when we once seemed so grounded
awkward hellos and so many goodbyes
new pieces of you i barely recognize
two very separate streets
and barely any meet and greet
between our once well known and
synchronized feet
old friend
there is something in me that aches for days on end
something that pushes and pulls you in every direction
something that wants answers
but can't begin to ask the questions
something that longs for more
and grieves for all that never was
and never will be
old friend
i have felt the end