(the prelude to war)
i left you in the summer of '96 or '97
alone writing coloured letters in a marker almost to thick for your small artist hands
pen-pal thoughts floated with european sophistication i was still trying to grasp
i was surrounded by familiar strangers all drinking in my youth and still apparent naiveté
except for one
that girl in the middle of the open road throwing rocks at me while she cursed my being with dirty words calling me an "american"
i knew the word but couldn't comprehend it's meaning
i understood but could not bring myself to understand
(the beginning of the new)
i came back and the one i had left had become a part of two
new feelings moved thoughts into actions never before taken
new exchanges between us too more words of him and the two of you
new words to learn new comforts to voice new concerns new places new spaces carved out and opened shared and distributed among two as three was one too many
the girl who throw rocks aimed higher than my feet
but she had missed my heart
(the ongoing past)
you were only one of a more recent two
spiral effect that consumed more than it could care for
i was left on the brink staring into the warped sense of yourselves watching you all drown in love pools sparking envy at every turn and gaining new senses of selves once unconcerned with proper ways to formulate future tenses
left on the outside staring back into a slowly changing reflection that gained ground and strength in itself mainly because it had to
survival of the fittest meant something solitary holding in and letting out only in stolen moments that seated one at a table generally reserved for two
the girl threw rocks aimed higher than my feet
but she was too far away to leave marks of pain
(the repetitious now)
you consumed the better parts of me highlighted them and made them all your own
showcased more eloquently in a manner too intrinsic for me to compete with
she the one above had been all the more than me leaving me with smiles while he kissed her ear on the telephone line breaking up my sound and leaving me to mend
you came a little later in the game
made up for lost time in letters and notes passed through student body hands
overflowing in lockers separated at first by chance later by choice
complicated games played in the schoolyard stretched too thin when the lines of communication moved from mouths to modern day "conveniences"
things were said and feelings were exchanged that crossed invisible boundaries and leave me and perhaps you wondering what happened and how a moment could hold so much and yet so little meaning in the end
you had him and then him and then him repeated twice three times or more
too many names and dates and times and places and fights and makeups and breakdowns and moments shared with too little space in my brain to keep it all wrapped up and tied with a bow
now with him the competition has ceased and branched out to other areas
snuffing out individual flames of my moments between fingers that never burn
covering up traces of my marks as you take and take and take
outshining me at every turn while my humble light grows faint
you are different and in the end may be the same
in the end maybe it is all the same
for now i am in your glowing light
basking in your worth virtually free of the competitive edge i have known
you are me in ways i can only imagine
know more than i could ever possibly learn
and shine more brightly than any i have ever known
i am happy for you but in happiness the clocks seem closer to the end of time
if there is a pattern i have found it and watched it rise and fall rise fall and repeat
i hold on in ways that are childish to some
but there was a promise made that has yet to be kept sparking a desire yet to be fulfilled
the more i listen the more i learn
more to remember harder to forget
more to carry with me along the way
as i move between shadows
i may never find a stronger rock
so i hold to those that are there when i can no longer stand and need to lean
the yous of my life keep me
but the yous of my life disappear and move to stronger rocks and more helpful hands
while i plant new feet on which to stand
the girl threw rocks aimed higher than my feet
but she saved my heart for another
