oh i remember
oh i remember all too well
look away eyes
and heart shaped lies
and all the things promised but never made
broken and laid
to rest
yes i remember those "good old days"
that were filled with the same misery as today
but somehow seem better
given the distance
yes i remember the way you wore your hair
the way you said you didn't care
and the way i knew deep down
that you did
at least for a while
at least for a moment
at least for one imperceptible second of time
that somehow registered in my mind
because of words you spoke
and all that never was

i remember those times
though we slip away
and through each others' fingers
like sleepy sand
gently washing our hands of another layer
of so-called skin

times have changed
but i see you now like i saw you then
close enough to feel you
close enough to linger
close enough to picture us
in a world of my creation
where all the outside factors
don't matter
and at the end of the day
i realize that whether we shared
a moment or a second
or even a single day
you never wanted more from me anyway
it was all just a game
some weird drawn out game
with too many lines
and not enough brain
with so much of my heart
and so little of your pain





oh i remember
oh i remember all too well

old friend
is it the end
though we're not supposed to say
even when we look the other way
has our time passed
has our moment faded
should we go our separate ways
old friend
i don't always recognize myself with you
the way i used to
changes in our lives
our faraway lives
our fairytale disguise
our separate hands
and the space between our hearts
have grown
shifted
moved
and been transferred along the way
old friend
i can't tell which i miss more
the you and i that was
or what i thought we would have been
that seems stolen now
forgotten now
unable and impossible
now
now that we have started this new path
this new stage
old friend
i didn't ask for this
but i have long felt it would be the case
perhaps we have reached our limit
expired our linked brains
and harmonized laughter
moved apart
and built up new walls
old friend
so many things that could be said
perhaps even should be said
spoken and shared with others
unburdened to another
left hanging in the air
haunting the space between us
that even now grows
evolves
shifts and moves
before i can contemplate its shape
old friend
your outline is lost in some other time
and pieces of you
encircle my mind when i grow idle
too tired to shift gears
and think of something or someone else
old friend
the changes have been a part of our world
for longer than i have been allowed to say
changes that defy boundaries
changes that obscure what made us so much of what i loved
changes that poke holes and tiny cracks
in what we once worked so hard to conserve
changes that seem small and still make my heart ache
a piece of clothing i don't recognize
the mention of some unfamiliar person or place
that holds a new fragment of your heart
conversations cut down like old trees
constant flights
when we once seemed so grounded
awkward hellos and so many goodbyes
new pieces of you i barely recognize
two very separate streets
and barely any meet and greet
between our once well known and
synchronized feet
old friend
there is something in me that aches for days on end
something that pushes and pulls you in every direction
something that wants answers
but can't begin to ask the questions
something that longs for more
and grieves for all that never was
and never will be
old friend
i have felt the end

alone
seemingly fixed in place
time space
identifiable even from afar
sharp corners give way to rounded curves
pocketing knowledge in tiny holes gaps ridges
that mark up an otherwise unchanged surface
smooth and distant
calm and collected
warmed by sunlight
worn down by heavy rains
descending from above as those with wings
crumble
(momentarily)
leaned against heavily shouldering weighted
words and moments of time that are shared
and not stopped
time and time again
easily found reached touched admired and
(at times) conspired against
though continuously needed all too desperately
to be all but
fully abandoned
sought out in moments of weakness
called upon for carefully selected
words
and constantly present despite the change
in weathered
veins
strongly desired in specific spelled out ways
outlined in unspoken rules
promised in movements that
lack a distinct voice

loyal to the point of extinction

assumed strength masks hidden and carefully contained fears
encouraged faintly in generous moments
though deliberately hushed in quiet tones before the full release
making room for a voice more
recognizable than its own
again
and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again

and again

fulfilling a predetermined gracefully accepted role
that gives way to resentment
in the darkest of days
consumed whole by guilt
discarded hidden transformed back to its
original state and shape
listening years unwatched tears silenced fears
made compact
to take up less space

craving not love but the need that meets its ears
finding solace in being coveted one at at time
neatly arranged fanned out swaying softly in 3 /4 rhymes
finding phrases to mark the change in occasion
while silently reciting its own mind

they arrive
perspiring with thoughts too grand to be contained
fears too easy to save
movements that give it all away
and they stay
for moments
stretched out elongated at times
though mainly short eclipsing bursts of feeling
raw in all their innocence
deviant in all their pain
and then
they move on
they have found another
one more precisely arranged
one with (perhaps) more years
more knowledge of tears fears and what feeds them
and they no longer need
no longer demand attention
time patience advice
a listening ear that shares little
speaks less
but nonetheless alleviates the pain
restoring wings
to once fallen angels

alone
seemingly fixed in place
this being
this thing
this beast
this burden
begins to feel
need
desires its own kind
selfishly and almost uncontrollably
wanting yearning craving
an ear
a patient partner
a someone
to lean on against hold
to be consoled
for once
again and again

this need
this desire
this compulsion
this elusive fear
creates a wall
a fence
a restricted space
lined with rules
quietly demanding recognition
begging for unspoken promises to be made
cemented in stone
and sealed with an air of infinity

as time passes
this need grows
and this being
this thing
begins to wonder
exploring thought
quickly
quietly
secretly
unraveling hidden revelations
that expose what it has always known
in some shape or form
that sometimes
sometimes
even the rock moves

your sadness is blissfully perfect
shy eyes cornered in bedroom serenades
slow moving hands slowly becoming the most desired of all
your heavy heart weighed down by truth
but even more so by the uncertainty of tomorrow the shadow of today and the disappointment of yesterday filled with all the things you chose not to say and all the words that replaced what was most needed to be heard by those around you
encircling you with arms stretched out
arms waiting to hold you console you promise you the world and then deliver
oh those arms
will you find them again along your many wandering journeys
will they forever remain in your memory
those speckled arms shining with all their yearning glowing with all their good intentions
while you looked away and only looked back when it was too late
the end of the end of the end was past simply looming
oh you
you and your wanton ways
needing the world and those who dwell in it
without the patience to look into the world past what you see behind your dark glasses and uncover the struggles and triumphs the losses and gains the hurt the pain the pleasure the past of those trying to live outside your view
the world can be a beautiful place
but you are wrapped up in years of grief and disappointment
clinging to ways that leave you stranded on your own fading island
with remnants of lovers past and present
pieces of familiar family ties
books upon books upon books with words that cannot save you
and eyes without a dominant shade that haunt you with their beauty their pain their knowledge

you've heard the rumors of escape
but have not outlined a concrete plan
there is a way off this lone and deeply desolate place
with all its lovely shades of darkened grey
a way for you to be
laugh smile play
the way i've seen you in stolen moments
over a period of lengthened days
behave

find your way

i let you linger
years have passed
but i close my eyes and in those moments
you are slowly leaning in to me
caressing my hand with a whisper of your own
guiding me with eyes
torn between two scenes
i let you linger
linger linger linger
inside of me
i let you linger
and the more i do
the more i need to
but you knew that much
and still do
i let you linger
linger linger linger
inside of me
your gentle words
and soothing voice
your sighs and grown up lullabys
and the way you used to look at me
let me believe
the unbelievable
i let you linger
it's the closest i've come
to holding a piece of you
i let you linger
linger linger linger
inside of me
though you don't warm my bed
ease my heart
or hold up my head
i let you linger
why
i have never known
i let you linger
linger linger linger
inside of me

it's beginning to feel like home




(originally posted on 9/30/07)

rain soaked bones
trickle down unused grey stairs
heaving serial sighs
in burlap bags
while we
the you that was
the i that i am trying to be
stare through the moonlit madness
as we wait for liquid comfort to ease
its way through vessels soaked with skin

they
the group of business suits covering
up play time bodies and childhood ambitions
stare
into the abyss of black turning grey
thoughts melting with freshly brewed coffee
she serves and stirs for the first time again

we
have crossed paths
but never fingers
have stared
but never seen the signs
have moved
but never advanced in space or time or mind
we
are two of too many
and one that stands alone
shouldering the other's thoughts

you
are silenced nightly
and wake up screaming daily
you
are unforgivable in your forgetfulness
careless in your dying wonder
and aged in the sixth sense

i
am reborn in your memories
function fully phonetically speaking
and dream in sighs that span a life time
i
am you in ways you discovered uncovered
and were quick to quiet but have yet to silence
and they
well they still stare




(originally posted on 2/23/07)

island eyes

you were that tiny little sliver of a piece of a whole that i had long been waiting for and you moved through mazes and untied hazy thoughts that circled around my head while i rested in bed faster than those before and with more conviction than those who have come after. it was something. something beautiful and something so fragile i only half breathed when i was around you too afraid that things would slip out from under my feet that seemed to be floating across the sky listening to your silent lullaby while we held two mismatched hands together despite their eyes and their lies and their their words interrupting and undercutting our time and making things fast forward when i was still fiddling with rewinding the times before they tried and later succeeded in burning a hole through a chapter of my heart that has been overlooked by many and only abused by some. you were in that moment for that second what i had long been anticipating and semi waiting for there you laid under the cloak of my hair falling around your face and locking you into my permanent vision of something i've since been missing when i have the time to admit it. you erased fears leaving only a smudge that still resides in my island eyes but for that i can simply forgive you because you were the place that made my heart race and for a second in those moments i can remember you made sense to the part of me that is still completely senseless

your hands
...........were always cold
held under melted ice
...............waiting for my arrival
clean pure whitewashed hands
..................i saw no dirt no stain
she imagined rough hands
.............grabbing groping choking
.....whitewashed dreams
..................i saw no dirt no stain
your hands
......were slow moving second hand tick tocks
rhythmically consuming
.........drum beat street beat our now faded beat
overturned palms
.................peach white skin a glow
sweat met
..........separated
.....................scars uncovered
secret passages explored
.................i saw no dirt no stain
your hands
..........held my breath
your hands
............inside outside collide
................i saw no dirt no stain
felt no pain
.............your hands
eased around
.............long standing insecurities
and touched
............probed
..................opened
gutted
.......the inner heart
your hands
..........made from rich soil
departed
............whitewashed dreams
...............i saw no dirt no stain
your hands
........were always cold
...warm
.......warmed
....warmth
generated
..........baited
the cold hands
...............of my own





(originally posted on 10/17/06)

finger skin

i wanted what they had in the moment when i saw what they had told through his teeth
and the way he spoke i love yous concealed in words about her laughter her eyes his disguise that matched her insides
and i thought i found a sliver of that with you when the skin on your finger touched the small of my back and i felt you through my shirt and layers of life that covered me for so long that at times it feels like i've been hiding
you touched me and in that moment i wanted to consume the feeling and make it so it couldn't and wouldn't stop a never-ending story that would be all my own
and i pictured them and the way they would be and i thought that i found a sliver of that with you and me and your precious finger the skin the touch the stroke
that ignited sparks and sent out signals like smoke from a fire that burns with desires and cradles the lovers in heat
i was so young and naive then and still am now but conceal it with words that i've learned make you seem like you've been schooled with the tools that have been pushed down your brain crammed in your pockets and attached to you like pretty chains
i was an april fool in september and your finger on the small of my back was lovelier than a freshly sharpened pencil bouquet and i told myself a touch like yours would last longer than a single day
i look back and wonder why i made his words my ideal and think the answer is just under my nose in that spot you can't see but feel when you're ready to look inside and confront the lies
i thought i found a sliver of that with you when the skin on your finger touched the small of my back but one day the finger roamed as fingers often like to do
so while your finger unzipped the first few layers of skin i leaned back and thought of them and their love and wondered if they had this moment of unzipping skin
this moment of unzipping tripping skin in slow motion
and i wondered if i really had a sliver of what they had
expressed through words and ballet hands and lips that drip with red hot desire
and i'm not sure i want to know the answer
because i like the thought of having found a sliver of that with you when the skin on your finger touched the small of my back
and eventually led me down a different path





(originally posted on 4/1/06)

you drain me

I’d like to drain my brain
Tilt my head to the side and let it all pour out
The way I used to after a swim
It’s a refreshing thought
The thought of you
Spilling out onto the ground
Like milk from a carton
That I would not cry over

I’d celebrate

Take my brain out
Somewhere nice to eat
Fill it up with something special
Just as soon as I find out
Who or what that is
But I’m not too worried about it
You’d be gone
Lost really

I’d celebrate

Exfoliate you from my skin
Rub you off instead of in
Pale white to pink to red
A killer’s rainbow
Fresh new skin would glow
As I watch you swirl gurgle twirl
Down the drain
Away from me and my
Now empty brain

I’d celebrate

Change the sheets on my bed
Get rid of the pillowcase on which you
Rested your sleepy head
Divorce my well worn comforter
And dismiss the smell of you
That lingers in the air
Like it has the right to
Be there instead of where you are
Where are you?

I...I'd...






(originally posted on 3/18/06)

she's like a dream, that one

wrapped up in lovely words unraveling through slow motion time finding new words to replace old concerns and new alibis for old lies that spoke to her through her own mind and mouth and slightly wounded but still fighting heart. she's her own rock and owns her very own island of dreams and fantasies that are revealed in the times she closes her eyes and lets the words carry her inner voice all the way to the depths of your soul swaying softly to the melody far far away from her earthly body covered up in everything that is not lace. this little girl with this terribly large dream consuming her thoughts and her spare moments haunting her consoling her taking her away in pieces that float around the room through the air mixing with expectations and stolen sighs goodbyes and words that still linger though spoken years before. this girl wrapped up in lovely words unraveling through fingers that pull at guitar strings and serenade the birds that forgot how to sing. oh she's like a dream, that one all covered in invisible holes and burdened by scars that she traces with her finger from time to time reflecting on so called mistakes and second chances. the ways she moves reminds me of oil and water half of her stays in place and the other moves around constantly searching for a spot to rest her weary hands and ever-moving feet that bounce to rhythms of their own making and get her around a little more than others. this girl with her words and star like proposals all tender and sweet when no one else is looking stares at her reflection from time to time finding something new something previously unseen something she thought she lost along the way a smile a look a word written in the corner of her eye all come back having made that long trip back home settling on her skin making room for another gesture gaze or hazy look that puzzles me still and her even more. she can't lose anything nothing wants to be that far away from her. she has this touch and this way about her. she has this voice and this name for everything. she has this dream that she lives when no one else is watching.






... old one i finally finished

i think we've been here before

the sugar high
the rush of the first touch
rediscovered and uncovered
after months spent in hidden form
i've seen this look
and heard that voice
too soft to silence
too mild to confide in
a shadow of a whisper
of a word you tried to say
once
i think we've been here before
indirectly linked to the same situation
bound by space confined by time
movements vary with each others moods
and we relearn ways to tiptoe without
touching the floor
i think we've been here before
my voice falls back on old patterns
and i hear myself say words
i've already spoken
and i see you nod your head
with the same kind of emotion
a little of so much more
i think we've been here before
and i find no comfort in all the
familiarity
i think we've been here before
and so i fear the next step
there's only so much i can take
only so much i can say and do
when in the end it doesn't matter
it has never been for me to say
and the doing part
the doing part grows faint
in my brain
my hands are weak
and my eyes begin to show the pain
i think we've been here before
and what i want is to change paths
leave you to go your own way
while i sort out the steps that
lead to mine
i think we've been here before
and now it's time for you to do it
on your own
because you can
because you have to
because i no longer want to




(re-posted)

if i could tell you
i would tell you
tell you that things have changed
your hair never looks quite the same
but your eyes have more depth and more sorrow
you feel heavy and i have only entered the room
you stand tall but your shadow
looks for a place to lean
you smile but at times your eyes give you away
and i picture you somewhere else
try to keep a vision of you
wrapped in scarves
filled with knowledge
that you could change the world
i believed in you
i still do
if i could tell you
i would tell you
that you are strong where i am weak
that i have more faith in you than myself
and that you will succeed because of no one else
but you
you hold more power than you use
and intrigue me even after all these years
if i could tell you
i would tell you
that i think you've lost a part of you along the way
he took a piece and he earned a piece and he now has a piece
but you are whole in more ways than you know
you should know that
you have yet to become less in my eyes
you can only become something more
and i look forward to
meeting you in the future
having been informed of past
puzzle pieces and present day daydreams
if i could tell you
i would tell you
that fear only grabs hold for a moment or two
and those of us who face it
become fearless in more ways than one
you should know that
even without others
you are not alone
you have enough to feed and grow on
living inside of you
and you would make it
i swear you would
if i could tell you
i would tell you
that life has its ups and downs
but we can choose which one to live with
you know more about yourself than you care to admit
and don't need me to tell you what you already know
you have strength and passion
you have honesty and integrity
and you will become something
even if you stand alone
if i could tell you
i would tell you
things that would hurt
but that at times i feel should be said
things i may not know
things that i simply feel
or imagine or suppose or even assume
but things nonetheless that arise
from moments when your eyes
don't match the words in your heart
and your soul seems sad and weary
if i could tell you
i would tell you
that you deserve more than you think you do
always have and will continue to
you have risen up from ashes of pain
moved past names and have become the one
deep inside of you
now you need to hold on to her
because she's worth it
and you shouldn't give her up
for anything or anyone
if i could tell you
i would tell you

when he walks he leaves you with an imprint
a footprint
and several handprints
that can be seen along the curve of your back
and the shape they take is
barely recognizable to you
when you dream he isn't there
there is another
one whose potential has grown to an ideal form
and he haunts you in ways i think he knows
but can't quite share with you in person
there was a time when i heard it in his voice
captured in time for a few stolen moments
and when you listen to him i think you hear it too
when you listen to him i think a part of you
flies away to be with the part of him he gave you
years ago
and in some other world lost in space
the two of you are holding hands
and nothing is greater than your love

in the present moment though
you are stamped with with footprints
and handprints and fingerprints
that mark his territory
you have become one i no longer know completely
though in truth you always had something to hide
we stand on separate sides of the same dream
and we both want more than we know how to get
and we both need more than the other can give
in times like these we collapse inside ourselves
and the part we show the world has one expression
one kind of face
we speak in static tones
and hide the part of ourselves we barely know

the days pass long and dull
and you sit by the window
looking out at your dreams
that are slowly slipping away from you
you watch them pass
and remember the time you held them
in the palm of your hand
you walk alone even though
i stand beside you
sometimes behind you
just in case you need me there
in truth i know you do
but find it hard to show it
in truth i need you more than i let
myself believe

we were
two of some kind of thing that remotely sounds the same
we are
far apart though you live close enough
that at times i can hear you breathe
lately it resembles a sigh
i don't mind
or so i tell you
the loudest sigh of all is still my own

you and him
the two of you
loosely spoken words
loosely tied together in some makeshift lullaby that soothes
but doesn't quite comfort

i know you
or at least the image of you
i hold in my mind
i see her
you in some other form
looking down at me
from above
you were always above and i was always below
you were always more than i bargained for
and i feel a little less at home in my own shoes

the skin i find you wrapped in has become hard
rough to the touch though i know you work on that everyday
you soak your skin with something a little more soft
and the result is a mixture of hard and soft skin
that you wrap yourself in to hide
i think you hide from things you're too afraid of
and i think you have been given more credit than you deserve
at times
few times
once or twice if that
i know you know things about yourself that i never will
i know you hear things i can only imagine
i know you hurt even when i don't think it's possible for someone like you
and i know you know that i do too
i know we are weak in ways the other is strong
and i know you can't touch the part of me that still remains covered
i know there is a part of you i will never know as well as i would like
and we both know he's not the one for you
not this way
not like this
not with heavy hands that don't touch but stamp themselves down on you like you're an item that has been tagged
not like this with tears that dry when he is ready to speak
not like this when your words are mixed with his words and the words that you are longing to be able to say
we
you
i
let us sit
side by side

hushed tones spoken over lines that can't
communicate the distance in your eyes
and the hesitation in your heart
familiar words become foreign
when ears on the other end
hear thoughts instead of words
and silences full of words you never
intended to share
your eyes begin to carry the thoughts
you leave inside your head
closed off and seemingly detached
from your heavy heart
movement becomes one of familiar motion
coordinated through years of repetition
while the brain can ease itself to sleep
where dreams become the escape to live for
and reality is only a momentary phase
you try to smile your way through

stolen moments in my mind
stolen away from me
i hurt you to make you stay
you hurt me to feel something new
i wandered along the avenue
i paused for a second
maybe two
you whispered to me
when we laid in bed
you said the nicest things to me back then
right before you fell asleep
always before you fell asleep
the next day it was the same
the newspaper where you left it
the dishes piled high above our heads
and the look you gave me
the one that set in the sun
it was
it was
...

you used to make me laugh
i barely remember what my voice was like back then
you had a way
you had a way with me
you had a way with me sometimes
all the time
when you wanted to
but it was always when you wanted
never on my time
never in my mind
never when i needed you the most
but always when i couldn't stand to be around you
like you were trying to be the glue
but honey
it was always me
i was always the glue
and now it's something even i can see