i'm

i’m sitting here crying reading something that was never meant for me my eyes ears or heart – it’s all for her – but i’m still crying with the tears dripping down washing away strategically placed smiles and all the while no sound is escaping it’s a silent cry and i’m crying for me and i’m crying for you because i don’t know how to fix you or touch you to heal you and i’m not saying i could but i’m saying i’d try and i know i’d like to take your heart and make it sing again for old times sake.
i’m feeling helpless and small – my ex is talking to me but that’s not all – i’m wondering if and when and how the feeling ends and i’m telling myself it’s a past 2 am thing and a tired thing and i’m making excuses once again but that’s life for me for now for right now and so many thoughts are slowly trying to make their way around my head and i’m thinking of the past and the present and trying not to concern myself with the future because my past follows me like my shadow and my present is a light switch i’m not in control of turning on and off with no rhyme or reason all because someone else’s finger is on the trigger.
i’m also thinking about my friends the past ones the last ones the almost romance ones and i wonder what’s going on with all of them and what they’re thinking about or dreaming about right now in this moment when i’m writing about them and you and me and her and him – indirectly – and I hope you all know the things i can’t say and that the times places spaces we’ve shared are logged away in my heart’s brain and that i think of you more often than you will ever know because these are the things we never learn how to express from books and school and teachers and rules.
i’m writing and reading and nodding away and it’s fine just fine if you don’t have anything to say because i’m fond of the silence that’s filled with words unspoken – stop by drop me a line call out my name or let it fall like footsteps on your brain and through the haze the daze the craze that’s been following me for days i’ll get back to you i promise i swear i tell you it’s true – i need you now like i needed you then and like i will need you again.