i never want to forget

the way you snuck out to the fridge to eat cream cheese because you liked it so much but didn't want anyone else to see you or the way you laughed with your body shaking like santa claus and tears running down your perfectly tanned skin lined with memories of places and times and moments and other tears that happened long before i was around to see them. your voice which was always filled with love and sincerity or the way you looked at me at him at us our little family or the pictures we have of the moments we shared that tell part of the story in freeze frame. that time in the basement with marko and i getting stuck inside a blanket crawling around and making our way up the stairs calling your name to come find us and save us from our own childish games or the way you spoke english with caution that nonetheless never stopped you from trying. running up to you in the airport and throwing my arms around you and the two of us crying even though it was a hello moment and not a goodbye see you soon (hopefully) moment. we had our fun we had our laughs that shattered language barriers and made the distance between us grow smaller in an instant. we had our tears of joy and our tears of laughter that mingled before settling just below the skin locked away and saved up for another rainy day. your love of dominoes and dancing the way you smiled with your eyes your love of long hair and fancy updos your love of pictures in front of beautiful displays and the way you packed up suitcases with pieces of your home to add to our home. baking together in the kitchen (our special you and me time) with you taking your time to show me how with patience and love wrapped up in every fold of dough. you praised the smallest accomplishments in all of us and always found ways to say i love you whether in words or looks or gestures that seemed to emanate from inside displayed on the outside dressed up in red your favourite colour. you were and will always be in memory form a special part of my life my love my heart.

by the book

an afternoon affair
back by bedtime
consciously confiding consumed cravings
dark details; delve deeper
eternity encapsulated
fallen far from father's footsteps
give gave got
heavenly handprints
irrevocably inspired in inarticulate interest
jeopardizing journeys
kindling kaleidoscopic karma
labeled lust
my memory moves me
now
obvious obsession
partook; pure pleasure pacifying
quintessential
ramblings reaching radiant rapture
sacrificing sacred selves
together tranquil
underneath undeniably unarmed unions
veiled vacancy
welcoming wanton ways
xrayed
years; young-eyed youthfulness
zealously zen

can we start over old friend
i miss your summer laugh and winter skin
you entered my life in slow motion
and settled just below my skin
we were an odd combination
of young and slightly younger
and the part we discovered in each other
was what the other
had tried to cover
you were once all show and tell to me
once great ideas and dramatic overtures
street walking to singapore scores
and calling out in tarzan like roars
i was once the innocent
the one you barely knew
(perhaps the last line remains true)
the one more serious than the likes of you
i discovered an intriguing side of you
one whose thoughts seemed to weigh more than my own
one whose words unveiled nerves and plights and love sick fights
for them for her for you
you were more gentle than i knew
more cautious and more daring too
when given the choice you asked for the long
rather than the short side of my story
you listened without judgement
and asked questions i had yet to know
how to answer
(funny how that remains true too)
maybe i showed you a side of me
that few have come to know
one more laid back and wacky
sometimes even more so than you
maybe i surprised you
maybe i compromised some part of you
(or made it seem like i wanted to)
maybe my mouth spoke too soon
maybe it should have ended before it all began
but maybes were never made for me
old friend
and in the end of the end of the end
i think i met myself through you
so
all i really want you to know
is that i miss you
old friend
because in your own platonic way
you made the extra ordinary extraordinary
and that's all i want you to hear me say

3 circles and a square

he was
we were
silence
with an undertone of
something bordering
a feeling
wrapped in an
emotion
struggling to break
through the layers
of life
and
breathe

she was
we were
acquainted
when no one else
could see
arms outstretched
and notes passed
down from generations

he was
we were
heart broken
when together
and more miserable
when apart
counting down days
that gained a months weight
without showing any signs
of pregnant perfection

she was
we were
in love
with the same idea
and bound by
common ground

he was
we were
fools
by our own admission
and worldly in our dreams
as we played hopscotch
with worn out ankles
and tag without moving

he was
we were

she was
we were

united

you moved yourself a mountain of words
leaving trails of dirt behind the backs of
sunday morning hand washings
i stood in the sun watching your back
break through the leaves of newly formed trees
basking in the glow of an undecided rainbow
we met in the afternoon
a compromise of night time pleasures
and early morning sunrises
and we slept through the winter months
till we could no longer recognize
the smell of snow
we grew on coffee beans
and stored away the vacant dreams
for someone else to find them
ate the spring time rain
and lived in trees shaped like the arms
of two lovers embracing

we were free then

return to sender

night time flickers in your candlelight eyes
as my response glows softly in the abyss leading to a widowed exit
your name was once synonymous with home
your body once told the fairy tale ending of where my mind used to roam
thoughts of you now fill the space between holes left unattended
those that are still in need of being mended
once is now a long time ago
and only in the dark do my eyes hide the part of you that hasn't left me

before is now the voice of my desire
as the past sits and waits for me to conspire
a way of going back to that lost moment in time
when pieces of you and i were intertwined

daylight hours spent falsifying smiles
unnatural movements of hands fingertips and slow moving feet
bent on running backwards
misshapen phrases and lonely late night daydreams
mingle with the smell of you that still resides in the air

maybe i spent a little too much time
sipping champagne while i waited for sugar coated alibis
you on the other hand were warmed by the winter sun
cool in the summer heat and born to shine like fool's gold
maybe i needed other ways to spend my days
instead of tracing the outline of your footsteps
and trying to find enough of myself to fill them
while you made it all look so easy with your wayward smile
and blue eyes that turned green only when i looked away

maybe i melded the inside particles of pieces you forgot to overturn
made a new space for that heart shaped ideal i had long ago planted
and wound myself furthest away from your perfected ring finger
maybe i spent a little too much time
thinking of ways to slow down and unwind the turn around of time
while you were moving on in words followed some time later by actions
seen and never heard

(the prelude to war)
i left you in the summer of '96 or '97
alone writing coloured letters in a marker almost to thick for your small artist hands
pen-pal thoughts floated with european sophistication i was still trying to grasp
i was surrounded by familiar strangers all drinking in my youth and still apparent naiveté
except for one
that girl in the middle of the open road throwing rocks at me while she cursed my being with dirty words calling me an "american"
i knew the word but couldn't comprehend it's meaning
i understood but could not bring myself to understand

(the beginning of the new)
i came back and the one i had left had become a part of two
new feelings moved thoughts into actions never before taken
new exchanges between us too more words of him and the two of you
new words to learn new comforts to voice new concerns new places new spaces carved out and opened shared and distributed among two as three was one too many

the girl who throw rocks aimed higher than my feet
but she had missed my heart

(the ongoing past)
you were only one of a more recent two
spiral effect that consumed more than it could care for
i was left on the brink staring into the warped sense of yourselves watching you all drown in love pools sparking envy at every turn and gaining new senses of selves once unconcerned with proper ways to formulate future tenses
left on the outside staring back into a slowly changing reflection that gained ground and strength in itself mainly because it had to
survival of the fittest meant something solitary holding in and letting out only in stolen moments that seated one at a table generally reserved for two

the girl threw rocks aimed higher than my feet
but she was too far away to leave marks of pain

(the repetitious now)
you consumed the better parts of me highlighted them and made them all your own
showcased more eloquently in a manner too intrinsic for me to compete with
she the one above had been all the more than me leaving me with smiles while he kissed her ear on the telephone line breaking up my sound and leaving me to mend

you came a little later in the game
made up for lost time in letters and notes passed through student body hands
overflowing in lockers separated at first by chance later by choice
complicated games played in the schoolyard stretched too thin when the lines of communication moved from mouths to modern day "conveniences"
things were said and feelings were exchanged that crossed invisible boundaries and leave me and perhaps you wondering what happened and how a moment could hold so much and yet so little meaning in the end

you had him and then him and then him repeated twice three times or more
too many names and dates and times and places and fights and makeups and breakdowns and moments shared with too little space in my brain to keep it all wrapped up and tied with a bow
now with him the competition has ceased and branched out to other areas
snuffing out individual flames of my moments between fingers that never burn
covering up traces of my marks as you take and take and take
outshining me at every turn while my humble light grows faint

you are different and in the end may be the same
in the end maybe it is all the same
for now i am in your glowing light
basking in your worth virtually free of the competitive edge i have known
you are me in ways i can only imagine
know more than i could ever possibly learn
and shine more brightly than any i have ever known

i am happy for you but in happiness the clocks seem closer to the end of time
if there is a pattern i have found it and watched it rise and fall rise fall and repeat
i hold on in ways that are childish to some
but there was a promise made that has yet to be kept sparking a desire yet to be fulfilled
the more i listen the more i learn
more to remember harder to forget
more to carry with me along the way
as i move between shadows

i may never find a stronger rock
so i hold to those that are there when i can no longer stand and need to lean
the yous of my life keep me
but the yous of my life disappear and move to stronger rocks and more helpful hands
while i plant new feet on which to stand

the girl threw rocks aimed higher than my feet
but she saved my heart for another

beckett's ear

sit
blink
stare
wait
pause
move
silence

sit
mouth
open
close
repeat

blink

swallow
mouth
open
close
fast
slow

stare

hear
listen
hear
listen
listen
listen
repeat
repeat
repeat

think

move
silence

hear
silence

speak
silence

words
echos
voices
concerns

hushed
silenced
murmured

surrender

push
pull
condense
strain
narrow
closet
box

them
those thoughts

heal
wound
scar
scab
healing
relief

sit
blink
stare
repeat

mouth
open
close
slower
faster
slow

break
breathe
promise

stare
gaze
ponder
question
wonder
answer

communicate

outside
inside
divided

sit
stare
pause
listen
and
repeat
repeat
repeat

bruised all knowing no speaking eyes
...staring back into your thinly veiled nevermind the rest kind of disguise
those eyes
....silently waiting for recognizable thoughts and expressions
to turn in their repressed graves
..... and search the hollow wind for a little more air
you should have spoken
................................up
but you stayed silent and still and you
(a laugh that resembles a sigh)
were always prone to asking why and never doing anything more about it
..i could have lied
(the eyebrow's raised, the smile fades)
i should have lied
ten thousand little lies
...then we'd wind up with the version of truth
that's being suffocated between us
.....you hold out
i put out
... hands over hearts over hands over mouths over meetings times reasons questions
..................................answers
shake off my memory
... hold on
i think i'm starting to pray
....or was it prey or pry
or did i pray to prey or pay to prey or pray to pay or pay to pray to pry
(a lone and single solitary sigh)
it's gone that moment
faded almost fully jaded
.....like them
those eyes
...fading into some background of my brain
soaking up the soul i should have sold
......the going rate is twice what it was
did you know?
.......................................................i'm moving

lovely little loveshaped thing

i just wanna hear you say that you'd rather run away than hide from my eyes and the disguise that you built all around me

i just wanna hear you say those three little words that have nothing to do with valentine's day
come tickle my ear with what i'm longing to hear before you run close the door and let it all disappear as if i was something to fear and the walls were too thin for you to thin for you dear
you've known my name in some place in your brain so now's not the time to refrain from the highs that you felt when i was closer to you
close to that space in the palm of your face that when push came to shove was the closest of space...s
we were young and in love hearts above all other things all other things just didn't share the same ring when it came to our lovely little loveshaped thing
i miss the sweet smell of you tracing me back to you leading me guiding me back to you
and when i think you like i often do you're that space in my place that lights up face and i'm longing to feel the sunshine like i used to
cause honey you leave a smile on my face that i have yet to replace
yet to
replace
you



~ photograph taken by jenn

i know you're not fooled by my well intended lies and that you see straight through my quickly fading disguise and i know you don't believe my look-away eyes and i'm partially glad that you know me enough to know that much about me i don't want to have to have that talk because i can't recognize the image i see in the mirror i'm blurry and tear stained and feeling so drained that part of me slips away with each shower and the bare bone minimum is never as good as i once thought it could be i know i'm not fooling you mainly because i'm no longer even fooling myself i've been stretched so thin and etched so faintly i'm starting to lose my own outline and it scares me at times breathing in super slow motion like i'm relearning the whole act when it should already be memorized then again i always seem to be two steps behind the crowded mass that moves in front of me turning back around ever so seductively to remind me that what they have remains at the outer limits of my reach and i can't quite breach the code because my password has long been outdated and should by now have faded to the back of my mind but that's the way things seem to go now as i drown a little deeper in the sea that i can't quite see so there's no way to describe it it's beyond you and me so while you stretch out your hand i'll be squinting a little too hard to see you there right in front of me while i sit down and think about my constant wish to rewind the time and go back to a place in mind that made sense of the senseless back to a time when we thought we'd be schooled with all the right tools to figure ourselves out before we unraveled in the process of getting better acquainted with our insides that read between the lines and envelop our escape route in lines one word too many so for now let us sit in silence postponing my inevitable leaving the goodbyes and the times to linger in the air where they belong hidden by the stars and looking down at you and me glowing with good intentions and well rehearsed mentions of things to do and people to see and ways to be when rock hard outer shells turn soft and sway under all the weight of keeping things locked up tight and let's you and i
act like its all okay because i'm waiting for that day that inevitable day
to never come

m-i-s-s-i-n-g

i miss your eyes weighed down by words you left unspoken words that formed and moved around your tongue tied down by helpless emotion and i miss your silent laughter that bubbled up from within and never escaped never had a chance to but tried numerous times i miss your jaded memory that blurred the lines of our existence and miscommunicated the dates and numbers and times that we shared when we were apart and i miss the dreams you claimed you had but never did they were only words lovely beautiful well planned words of things you wanted to say without really saying without really owning them and so you named them dreams and i went along for much too long but still will if you will only you let me

let me in it's cold outside and i've stood here for days wondering when your body will arrive and take a seat next to mine on the bus that drives along the same path and always ends up in a different place like our love story that once had a rhyme but no longer resembles what we wrote down in permanent marker i miss that marker it left the day you did followed you home wherever that may be at this given moment in time you were always on the move and only stayed long enough for me to get in your groove and then you moved on to the city lights that shine brighter than the stars we always planned to sleep under but never had the time to we were always too busy with other things and plans and people that mention they miss your mind but not in quite the same way i do because i miss that mishapen mind of yours and the way it forgot to let me in and the way it fooled everyone even you yes i miss that mind because it was there that i made you

grows faint

you became entangled you became intertwined in mind with ease unseen before your moves and big city grooves and changes of heart that were typed in solitude. i became a little more than you originally bargained for. grew a little less faint and a little more sublime in time as we moved through the abyss of unschooled monday blues searching for clues that made sense of our shared stolen time line that abruptly came to an end. you fell. you fell like rain and didn't stop weaving through the november days and lovesick giveaways that had remained unspoken. i shook. i shook like recently faded autumn leaves weighed down by memories of past moments illuminated in my mind's eye and the we that had dared to be whispered began to grow faint began to disseminate began to form a lie that once spelled out you and i with only two letters.

now tell me why did we even try?



~ photo taken by doug

faded perfection

you outweigh him in words
but he still had something
on me
it was loosely tied to love
and more closely resembled
a change in loneliness
a backwards affair
and two stolen moments
in three quarter time

he was more open than you
more up front and personal
in hesitantly passed along notes
and love quotes
copied in his sunday best handwriting
shown off in candle light
marked by moonlit thoughts
and barely closed wounds

i somehow got to both of you
in different ways
at different times
and brought out something
in your laughter
and your hidden smiles
that stood still for days on end
when thoughts of me mingled
for a split second too long

try again

you tried to erase me from your bones
as you drove your point home
talking in backwards rhymes
as you make sugar pill eyes at me

it's a long winding road
to get yourself back on the right path
singled out among the space between the stars
and the overflowing laugh lines of
tree tops as they bow before your feet
marked by dirty thoughts and
stolen glances

you tried to erase me from your bones
suffocated my name in worn out pillow cases
as your bruised ego stares through vacant eyes
blinking back memories holding back surprises
rewinding time which each calculated open/close motion

you had me fooled
i followed your lead to the end of the line
and sat for days and days
staring off into the abyss of your heart
your empty shaking lonely half beating
locket of a heart you keep tied to a string
that's only allowed to wander in silent suffering

told from the side lines

he’s a photographer
he takes pictures
of people of places of things
captures moments and expressions
minutes and seconds
silenced
on hours and hours of film
imprisons life in a flash
in a heart beat
while he holds his breath
and prays for the moment of truth
to be caught
sustained and ingrained in his membrane
he takes pictures
of people of place of things
of tall people and short people
mismatched couples
and dog people
and clowns and kids and the occasional
flower or cat
and he watches
he waits
he finds those moments
he traces those thoughts
he glues them in time
and then shares them
and holds them
and tries to explain them
but only by date and time
the rest is left up to the imagination
mystery surrounds them
hints here and there
but that’s not his job
never was
never will be
he’s a photographer
he takes pictures

she didn’t like pictures
not pictures taken of her
she always tried to hide
she’d run away
stick her tongue out
cover her face
she didn’t want to be caught
didn’t want to be frozen in time
she wanted to go
this one’s a mover and a shaker
a lover not a hater
a woman of words
who didn’t want to stare into a photo
and wonder where that little girl went
who didn’t want to feel stuck
in that space and that time
didn’t want her moment
her minute her second
her smile her lie
to be caught on film

they both lived in los angeles

they met
they stopped
they stared
they waited
they breathed
they exhaled
they met
they exchanged words
they exchanged glances
they exchanged time
his became hers
and
hers became his
and theirs
moved slow in time

they both lived in los angeles

he’d had others
she as well
all somewhat right
but not quite

when they met there were sparks
when they met they felt it
when they met they changed their view

they had given each other the time of day

he’s a photographer
she’s a woman of words
but that day
that day
they stopped
they stared
they knew

they had given each other the time of day

and she became his someone
and he became hers

she didn’t want her picture to be taken
and she ended up with a photographer
and he ended up with meaning

he’d seen the world
through his camera lens
had everything needed to make
him happy
or so it seemed
gave up looking and searching
waiting watching and leaving it all up to
fate
and then
she
came along and
gave him the time of day

she
gave him new meaning
and a new sense of self
she made old things
new things
with her smile
and her touch
and her strengths
that shed new light
on the old things
the mundane things
his old life
before her
before

they had given each other the time of day

now he’s ready for new things
and new moments seconds minutes
in time
though there’s not enough
never enough
cause she makes him wish
he had a hundred more years

they both lived in los angeles

now she’s moved away
so they talk about espresso
and trips around the world
in phone calls
e-mails
text messages
faxes
and they leave questions
on answering machines
and they sit in opposite
ends of the world
and think about that
steamy kiss
that moment of bliss
and their journey
and their moments
their minutes
their seconds
their lives


he’s a photographer
she’s a woman of words

and now he finds himself
talking in future tenses
and extending moments
and taking more time
and she finds herself
photographed
and captured and ingrained
in his brain his life
his heart

he’s a photographer
she’s a woman of words




inspired by a photo
that told a story

zen master

I’ve rifled through paper bags for answers to questions unseen by the naked eye
I’ve written notes to different people in different places and sent them a float
They never came back with the right anecdote
I’ve traveled the open space illuminated by stars
From the comfort of a small desk crammed with notes and bits of heaven
Still only clues no real truths
I’ve considered visiting the dalai lama, but viewed him much too tame to answer the questions that are stacked high in my brain
I came across this little guy

A friend of a friend of a friend of a foe
Looked him right in his framed eyes
And found the answers to questions that fell to those whose lips quivered
Silently searching for a sound solution


found this when cleaning up my comp.
i just wanted to be able to use the pic!

poetic plans

you've got
poetic plans
wrapped up in
brown boxes
tied with a
single carefree
piece of string

you've got poetic plans
lingering in coffee mugs
and couch cushions
and you're holding
onto memories of hands
and pieces of heartfelt
words and whispers and
milky white promises
not quite clear enough
to see through
but solid enough to
hide in

you're ready
ready to embark on
an unknown path
covered in dirty
arms stretched wide
open waiting for you
and i hope you see that
like i do

i'd follow you
but it's not my place to go
i'd follow you
but you'll do it all on your own
i'd follow you
but i haven't quite figured out
how to make my own
poetic plans

and i need to

it's called a tear...shed one

hey
you there
hey
yah you
i'm talking to you
what's the deal kid
what's the deal with you
when did you become so scared
when did you decide to be the one to hide
when did you walk away
no wait, it was more like run
when did you disappear
close your ears
count back from number one
what did you tell yourself
to make it all go away
what did the big man say
what made it right
you didn't even put up a fight
not one
you're not the one i knew
he would have
he could have
he did
hey man
he was you
what happened
come on
let me in
spill your guts
have it out
it's no big deal
i'm not gonna hurt you
don't tell me you're afraid
of a broken heart
or a lonely heart
or being wrong
is that it
cause i got news for you
it wouldn't be the first time
and it sure as hell won't be the last
or even the very least of it
i said i won't hurt you
don't worry kid
my powers have all been drained
you're safe enough
safe enough i say

stop stalling
i haven't got much time
have it out
have it out
come on now
shout it out
or whisper it
a little to the left of my ear
i wanna hear you say it
this time
wanna hear it from you
yah you
yah you you you
stop trembling with some quiet fear
i'm here
i'm waiting
i've got patience
but your time is up
has been up
and out
and roundabout
so let's cut to the chase
let's say no to fear
take the reins
and have it out
what's wrong with you
now dear
you're on the spot
i know
i put you there
i'm still waiting
you're hesitating
and i thought you were the man
the big boy
the soldier
the warrior
the brave one
the strong one
the one that made it all clear
well come on then
sing it out then
let me know how it feels
to be the small one
the stand alone
falling fast
catch me please
i won't last
vulnerable
small one
yah you let me know
how that all feels
cause i've been there
you put me there
but i moved out
and you
you've been left behind


close to midnight ramble
just trying something out